ALL IS IN MY MIND
by Lokxanime
Summary: Sousuke has suffered from a lot of pain in his life. He was a child soldier and all that it meant was pain. Years later, the memories of that dreadful past come back to him. Will he run away from those demons in his mind or will they tear him apart? Will a psychiatrist help him overcome the pain? Will Kaname be able to love him after she finds out the truth? Editting chapters
1. WHAT IS PTSD?

**So I wanted to create a serious story about Sousuke's mental health. After all he is a great character with an interesting past. My experience with psychology is not that great, my major is social communication, so if I make a mistake please don't hate me. I take any recommendations.**

 **I wanted to make a short story but the whole thing evolved so I may have to do a few more chapters. Hope you like it**

Sousuke was sitting on a couch at the doctor's office that Kaname had recommended a few weeks ago and forced him to go after his last outburst at the school festival, where he had made a souvenir stand blow up after he found a "suspicious" box.

He was used to getting psychological evaluations by Mithril's psychiatrists and military psychologists, but most of them only had time for a small conversation and didn't recommend any treatment. This was actually the first time he was getting evaluated by a professional and he was rather nervous, he didn't know what to expect.

The cold weather wasn't helping either. In his mind he knew that a rainy day was the perfect setting to attack without being noticed, as the streets will be free from people passing by. He had attacked others in such scenarios before.

Also the fact that Kaname forced him to leave all his weapons behind wasn't that great of an idea and it made him even more nervous. Not having his gun in his back make him fell anxious. "What if there is an attack?", he thought to himself.

"Sousuke Sagara?, the doctor will see you now", said the receptionist in a friendly voice as she hang up the phone she had been using for the last 10 minutes.

"It's going to be okay", he thought to himself but he realized that it was no use. Sweat was falling down his spine and staining his black t-shit. Kaname noticed his reaction and hold his hand in a reassuring way. It was wet and cold as ice. This could only mean one thing...

He was extremely nervous and it could only mean problems.

"It's going to be fine Sousuke. Doctor Allen was recommended by my father. He is an expert on treating soldiers", said Kaname with a reassuring smile. Her tone of voice calmed Sousuke a little, but only a little.

Although he had made some research about the doctor and found nothing on him, he believed that this whole scenario could be a trap set by the enemy, and with no guns or ammo, he felt even more vulnerable. He started to think of scape routes and possible weapons to defend himself..

As he was thinking all those crazy scenarios and all the possible outcomes, he heard a friendly voice that took him of guard.

"Sousuke, welcome", said the fourty year old doctor with a reassuring smile. He was wearing a pair of blue jeans, a blue shirt and tennis shoes, not at all what he had imagined in his head. He was expecting a large threatening man with scars, almost like a Rambo copycat.

"Maybe he is just an amateur assassin or maybe an expert assassin trying to persuade us with his friendly look", whispered Sousuke into Kaname's ear. She simply decided to ignore his commentary and dragged the young soldier to the doctor's side.

Sousuke tried analyzing everything about him to the very inch, trying to look at any sign of danger, but as hard as he tried, he found nothing suspicious. "Maybe he is a friendly", he thought, but it could be a mistake.

"Please come in", said the doctor after noticing that Sousuke didn't move for a few seconds.

Slowly he entered the room and immediately noticed the white walls covered in photographs of Dr. Allen smiling with other soldiers at the battle field as well as children in UN relief tents. He noticed pictures of the families from the same soldiers and awards in psychology in the wooden shelves.

"Those are my patients", said Dr. Allen after noticing Sousuke staring at the frames. "My name is Edward Allen and I'm a psychiatrist", he said shacking Sousuke and Kaname's hands. "Please make yourself comfortable."

The couple sat on the couch across his brown vintage chair. Kaname kept holding on to Sousuke's hand, trying to make him pay attention to the doctor's words, but it was useless. He was analyzing every inch of the room looking for hidden microphones or cameras.

"So tell me Sousuke", said doctor Allen while sitting comfortably in his chair, "Why are you here?"

Sousuke was still lost in his thoughts so, after a few seconds, Kaname answered "We are here because this war freak can't seem to understand that normal boxes are just that, normal boxes."

Allen looked at Sousuke. His eyes were staring at the window as if he was searching for an imminent threat, "Will you like me to close the drapes?", he said to the young soldier.

The boy nodded.

The doctor stood up from his chair, closed the drapes and dim the light. This made Sousuke relax a little bit more as he knew that by closing the drapes, the possibility of an attack from snipers was more difficult. He thought that maybe the doctor understood his concern about a possible strike and that idea made him feel more comfortable. "Maybe he really is a friendly", he said to himself.

"You are rather young Sousuke. How old are you?", asked the doctor while picking up a note book from the coffee table in front of him. After a few seconds in silence, Kaname answered again, "He is nineteen"

Dr. Allen took a deep breath and looked towards the young soldier, he seemed more relaxed after closing the curtains but refused to talk to him; so he said "I will like Sousuke to answer that" and looked straight into the boy's eyes.

Sousuke didn't wanted to give much information about himself; if he indeed was an enemy it could be risky. So he harshly answered, "Nineteen."

"That's a nice age. Full of unknown experiences that sometimes can be intimidating. I remember when I was that age, always worrying about things", said the doctor. Sousuke simply looked away without paying attention to his words.

"You like those photos?", asked doctor Allen, as he saw Sousuke staring at the framed photographs on the walls.

"Those are in Kazakhstan", said Sousuke looking at the pictures. He could recognize the mountain ranges and the distintive color of the sand in the photos.

"You are right", said the doctor as he lift up from his chair and picked one. He gave Sousuke a silver frame with a picture of two soldiers smiling in front of an Arbalest. "Those are from the fifth regiment of the UN. Great guys", he said as he sat back on his chair.

"UN soldiers a very good trained soldiers. I practiced with them in Angola", said Sousuke while looking at the photo. He remembered dearly his time with the UN, it had been a great experience for him when he was specializing on arm slave technology.

"And how long have you been a soldier?", asked the doctor, breaking Sousuke's train of thought.

"All my life", answered Sousuke while putting the frame down on a small coffee table in front of him. Doctor Allen took a few notes on his notebook, but soon he realized that writing on it had made Sousuke nervous, so he stopped.

"So tell me Sousuke. Why are you here?", he asked putting the notebook down on the coffee table. Sousuke looked at Kaname as if he was expecting her approval before speaking and answered, "People think I have a hard time getting used to civilian life".

"And why do you think that?", asked the doctor, analyzing the interaction between the two teenagers in front of him and expecting a concrete answer from the young boy.

Sousuke thought for a few moments what his answer will be and said, "I think that I do have a problem with adapting. I haven't really experienced civilian life before."

This caught Dr. Allen's interest immediately, suddenly he realized the aspect of Sousuke's hands.

They were rough and covered in scars, as someone who had done heavy work for a very long time. "Why do you have a problem with that?", he asked the young pilot without taking his eyes from the burn marks in the boy's fingers.

"I guess is because it's different from what I'm used to", answered Sousuke not realizing the attention that Dr. Allen was aiming towards him.

"Why is that?", asked the doctor as he realized the cross shaped scar in the young boy's cheek.

He was recognizing in Sousuke the same traits other soldiers, twice the boy's age, had.

"I think people are to carefree and sometimes they don't realize the danger they are in," said Sousuke. Soon he realized the doctor's focus on him. This made him a little self-conscious.

As he realized the boy's attention was back on him, the doctor took his notebook back from the coffee table and write a few notes, "It's normal to feel that way Sousuke. You have been in a stressful environment and changing to a peaceful one can be a challenge. I have seen this happen to other soldiers so you are not the only one feeling that way", he said with a calm voice.

Somehow hearing those words made Sousuke feel more comfortable.

In that small talk, the doctor had realized one of his main problems, civilian life, and how challenging it could be for him. But what interest him the most was that other people had the same issues as he did, so maybe, maybe, he wasn't a freak after all.

"Tell me Sousuke. Do you have moments were you feel in danger at school or in public places?", asked the doctor trying to observe the boy's reactions.

"I do. But I guess is normal to be cautious", answered Sousuke.

"It is normal to be cautious", said the doctor, "But what drives you to feel alert all the time?"

"I feel that there could be danger", said Sousuke.

Suddenly, he remember the thousands of times he had seen danger in normal situations, like the time he had made a love letter blow up at school or when he pushed a teacher down the stairs after looking at a suspicious student.

Was there something wrong with him that made him see danger everywhere?

"You feel like someone might hurt you or the people you care about?", asked Allen trying to take back the boy's attention. Sousuke stood quiet for a minute. That's was exactly how he felt all the time, that someone might hurt the one's he loved or hurt him.

It was specially severe every time he was with Kaname.

He had seen people walking on the streets and suddenly been attacked by soldiers before and he had seen schools get bombed by airplanes many times. So in his mind it was difficult for him to understand why his classmates where not careful as he was.

But then again, was it necessary to be that cautious?

"I guess I do fell that way", said Sousuke with a worried look. Kaname saw his expression, but couldn't quite figure out what he was thinking.

Dr. Allen took more notes."I want to more about you Sousuke. This place is a safe place for you and I want you to feel comfortable here, so you can check the office as many times as you wish. In this four walls we are only going to talk about things that you want to share, nothing more", he said.

"Just talk?", asked Sousuke with a doubtful expression. He remember Mithril's specialist and they never had time for a longer talk or any talk at all. In his mind, he thought, "how could he figure out what was going on just by talking?" Normally, the psychiatrist while prescribe him some medication and that will be it.

"Yes, just talk... For now", said Allen, "I have a group session with some patients tomorrow. Why don't you come. You don't have to talk if you don't want to, but you can hear what the others share and you can get an idea of my work area. Would you like to come?"

"Yes", said Sousuke without realizing how fast he had answered.

"Somehow the idea of seeing other soldiers was nice", he thought.

Sousuke started to like Dr. Allen and so did Kaname, even though she hadn't asked her anything about her soldier.

After the session and a long night of thinking, he decided to go to the meeting the next day. Of course he checked the building hours before to see if there wasn't a trap or a possible enemy attack.

He thought that he should have waited and evaluated the environment a lot more, but when he suggested the idea to Kaname to take military gear to the session, she had screamed at him.

The meeting was arranged at the Common Center. Sousuke was surprised that a soldier's meeting could take place in such a normal place.

Dr. Allen was waiting at the door of the two story building and a soon as he saw Sousuke, he greeted him, "Hey Sosuke! Nice to see you. Please come in", he said,

The boy was a little nervous to go inside, but Dr. Allen showed Sousuke the way in with a reassuring smile.

"What if there were no scape routes or mines located in the building", he thought and started to sweat again.

"Sousuke it's OK. I already checked the building", said Allen and this calmed him down a little as the walked down the hall towards a small conference room.

Inside were other men sitting in a circle. Some of them had prosthetic limbs and some where on wheelchairs. But it was different from what he was used to see in a military base. They were all talking in a friendly manner and laughing even though the authority, Dr. Allen, had just walked in.

The injured soldiers, wasn't something that Sousuke had never seen. After all, he had experienced a lot of hardships during the war and saw many soldiers loose limbs during battles. Normal people could feel a little out place, but he knew that he fit right there, between those "comrades".

One of the patients shook Sousuke's hand. "Hi, I'm Mike", he said. He was a young blond boy, about thirty, with a protestic leg. He was wearing a Red Hot Chilli Peppers T-Shirt and had a warm smile.

"Hi, I'm Sargeant Sousuke Sagara", answered the boy and took a sit in the chair next to him. Mike gave him a incredulous look because how young the boy looked, but decided not pay attention to it.

"Maybe he is lying", thought Mike.

Doctor Allen sat in one of the chairs too and took his notes out. "Welcome everyone. I want to introduce you to Sousuke Sagara, he is here to observe and learn a little about ourselves. He is also a soldier who just came home from a tour", he said and the soldiers gave Sousuke a surprised look.

Sousuke felt a little self-conscious about the other patients stares but they seemed nice. They introduced themselves and welcomed him to the group.

"So, let's start by asking how was your week? Anyone want to share something?", said Dr. Allen, interrupting the soldier's conversations and bringing back the attention to the group therapy.

Mike raised his hand and said, "Well I started having nightmares again, I guess it started after I crashed my car the other day"

"Why did you crash you car?", asked the doctor and the others turned their attention towards the blond veteran.

"I thought someone was following me", he said with his arms crossed as if he felt embarrassed about the situation. "I know there wasn't any danger, but I couldn't take that thought of my mind," he added.

Another man, apparently his friend, raised his hand and said, "I know what you mean. The other day I stood on the driveway for 20 minutes before getting in my house, I thought someone was inside".

"But there could have been someone inside", said Sousuke interrupting the man.

They all took a look at him as if he had just said the most outrageous thing in the world and again Sousuke felt a little awkward about the unwanted attention.

"It's OK Sousuke. You can talk", said the doctor with a smile.

After grabbing a little courage, Sousuke said, "Well.. it's normal to check your surroundings before entering a building or check if someone is following you."

"It's normal in a war environment to do that and it's actually recommended", said doctor Allen as he wrote more things in his notebook. "But in a regular environment it's difficult to feel like we are not safe. You have to remember that you all have been exposed to strong levels of stress so it's difficult for the brain to forget that trauma", he said talking to the rest of the group, who nodded in agreement to his words.

"That's why your stress manifest with those behaviors in normal situations. In those cases we need to remember our breathing exercises to avoid the anguish we might feel. Sometimes taking a few minutes to relax is a good thing to do", said doctor Allen as he handed fliers to the group.

Sousuke thought it was interesting that he was not the only soldier with those issues and it made him feel better about himself. Some of those stories resonated with Sousuke and he could identify with them, truly understand what they were feeling.

Maybe he wasn't as bad as he thought he was.

After the rest of the group shared their experiences, doctor Allen explained to everyone the breathing exercises to avoid panic attacks and later, after the session was over, they all shared a couple of beers in the closest bar.

Sousuke had never felt so understood in his life and he ran back home to share his experiences to Kaname, who gladly welcomed him with a hug.

He told her about her day with excitement, as she had never seen him before. She was glad that he had finally found what he truly needed.

Sousuke started to go a few more times to the sessions on the next couple of months. It was a nice to hear those stories and laugh about himself over the crazy situations he had caused at school every week.

His friends at the group therapy sessions loved to hear his crazy anecdotes and how he drove Kaname insane with his ideas, so they decide to invite him more often to spend time with them. Soon, he had made a really cool group of friends that truly understood him.

He also went to Dr. Allen's office and normally they will talk about sports, the weather or about the group sessions and the way he felt about sharing his anecdotes.

Now he was more confident that Dr. Allen wasn't a terrorist.

He also put in practice his breathing exercises a few times and it did help him avoid crazy scenarios that he imagined in his head, but he could still feel nervous in crowded places such as malls, which trigger his need to hold a gun at all times. Somehow those places made him feel as if the was on a trench. He felt more comfortable spending time at home with Kaname than going out.

After some time, in one of the sessions, Dr. Allen asked Kaname to come with Sousuke to the office to talk.

Both where worried about what he will say to both of them, but he assured them that it wasn't anything serious.

"So I want to try something that might help you with your nightmares", said Dr. Allen as he checked his notes on his agenda. "I want to prescribe you Xanax to take at night. It's a medication that can help you with your emotional distress and help you sleep. My diagnosis is that you suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD."

"PTSD?", asked Kaname surprised about his words. She didn't knew the true meaning of the word but she had heard it before on the news related to violent attack victims.

"PTSD is the reason why Sousuke has been experiencing disturbing thoughts, feelings, and dreams related to the events in his life. It also explains the physical distress you have been feeling all the time and your constant sweat", he said to Sousuke.

He looked at the doctor with full attention and hold Kaname's hand tighter.

"Your increased desire to fight and your flight response due to stressful situations are also related to it and your urge to sleep on the floor is part of your syndrome," said Dr. Allen.

Sousuke could relate to everything that the doctor was saying, all he felt. The nightmares and feelings he had, they were caused by the events in his life?

"It was nice to finally put a name to it", he said with a worried look.

"This medication will not affect your daily routine or being alert so don't you worry about it Sousuke. It won't affect your sex life either", said Allen.

Suudenly, Kaname turned red as a tomate, "What?!", she screamed, "Oh no, we haven't really… You know do that"

"I thought you were living together?", asked the doctor a bit confused. He knew that Sousuke was sharing an apartment with Kaname and that they loved each other, so he found it strange.

"We are! But we haven't really tried to do that", said Kaname as she hided her head between her shoulders.

"Alright then. It wont affect what you don't yet have I guess", said the doctor and wrote something in his notes.

"I want to recommend you Kaname to be patient with Sousuke. Try to understand his situation", said the doctor and handed Kaname a book about PTSD. He gave another copy to Sousuke, "Read it please. Is going to help you understand your situation".

Kaname took the book in her hands. It was actually the first time she came to think about Sousuke's point of view and how hard it must have been for him to deal with everyday situations with the things he had been to in his life. She felt a strong pain in her heart and tears started to fill her eyes.

She remembered those moments when she screamed at him and hit him with a fan when he made a mistake, without realizing that it was possibly caused out of stress or fear.

She had caused him more grief by reacting like she did.

"Kaname, why are you crying?, asked Sousuke as he cleaned her tears from her cheek.

"Did I ever caused you pain by screaming at you? I'm so sorry Sousuke", said Kaname, but she couldn't stop crying.

"Not at all. You have only given me happy moments and I couldn't been more grateful for that. Please don't cry", said Sousuke while cleaning away her tears. He had an honest look in his eyes.

"He is right! He always speak great things about you Mrs. Chidori. This concerns you both so you need to work together. Ok?", said doctor Allen while putting his hands on Sousuke and Kaname.

"Really?", asked Kaname cleaning the tears from her eyes.

"Yes, I'll be fine. I promise," said Sousuke with a reassuring smile.

Kaname gave him a small smile. After all, everything that Sousuke promised did came true.

Sousuke always knew that there was something wrong with him, but somehow, after talking with Dr. Allen, he felt that he could be OK.


	2. CHILD SOLDIER

**(This chapter contains real accounts from child soldier's testimonies. They are highlighted in black. I wanted to share them as a way to bring awareness to those horrible practices and bring up the debate about the subject. In no way I mean to take advantage of their stories. If you want to know more about the psychological impact of war in children, see on this link: /2BOgsyT)**

 **The testimonies have been changed to fit the story.**

 _Sousuke! kill him! Kill him now boy!, said a dark figure standing in_ _a field of_ _never ending snow._

 _"I can't", said a little boy with grey eyes, wearing an old t-shirt. Even though it must had been freezing because of the strong wind, he was using that thin piece of fabric. The little child_ _clenched his hands in a fist in frustration and tears felt from his eyes._

 _They boy_ _was standing in front of another_ _small_ _boy, around five years old, kneeling in the cold icy ground. He was crying a begging the man in the long black coat for his life, but he received no answer from the man. So he then grabbed the young boy's legs, expecting some mercy, but_ _again, received no answer._

 _"Do it! Blow his brains out. Fire!", kept yelling the man in the black coat as he put a gun on the child's hands. To big and heavy for him to hold._

 _"Please no!", said the boy with grey eyes as he tried_ _to hold the weapon in tears. He couldn't bring himself to do what the man was asking him to._

 _"Kill him or I'll rape you. Do it!", screamed the man as he took the_ _hands of the boy with grey eyes, aiming the gun to_ _the kneeling boy's head._

 _The tears of the boy with grey eyes_ _froze in his cheeks._

 _"No", said the boy in an almost whisper, getting_ _lost in the sound of the screams of the kneeling child._

 _"Do it boy! Or I'll rape you", said the man holding a knife to the young boy's face._

 _"Please", begged the boy with grey eyes, but the man kept aiming the gun towards the other child._

 _"No!", screamed the boy and..._

 _BANG!_

Sousuke woke up at the sound of the gun shot.

After adjusting his eyesight, he realized he was sleeping next to Kaname, as he did every night after he had rescued her from Leonard Testarossa.

He thanked the fact that he wasn't wearing a t-shirt because of the hot weather. It will had been covered in his nightmarish sweat, but the sheets didn't seem so lucky.

Kaname didn't woke up from his reaction, so he stood up slowly and walked towards the balcony to take a breath.

He felt trapped inside the apartment, it was suffocating for him. He knew what that dream was about, but he couldn't allow himself to think about it. It was too painful and maybe the worst memory he had.

I had been weeks since he had a nightmare and he was feeling much better, so he couldn't understand what had triggered that dream.

After the last conversations he had with Dr. Allen about his past, more bad memories had started to appear in the back of his mind, but this was by far the worst of them all. He wished to forget what was coming back to him.

"You OK?", said Kaname. She had woken up after noticing that Sousuke wasn't in the bed with her. She knew he usually walked to the balcony after a bad dream and that he feeling anguish.

"Everything is fine", he said and gave her a soft kiss on the lips with a tender smile.

She kissed him again and slowly it evolved into a deeper kiss.

Sousuke hold Kaname closer and she could feel his breath on her neck. She loved when they kissed like that, as if nothing else existed, just as he done on the school playground that day when they came back to each-others arms.

 _"Please no!," screamed the boy._

The violent memory made Sousuke pull away abruptly from Kaname. He looked scared and started to breath heavily.

"Please talk to me Sousuke", said Kaname as she gave him a tight hug, "Please tell me what's wrong?"

"I'm fine Kaname. You don't need to worry. Please, let's just go to bed", said Sousuke trying to calm himself down.

He wanted to avoid any questions about his current feelings so he walked pass Kaname, back to the bedroom.

He had a sad look on his face so Kaname didn't insisted. She knew he was hiding something but she didn't wanted to force it.

She had talked many times with Dr. Allen and knew about the things that Sousuke was willing to share with her, but lately she had noticed that there was something bothering him and it **was coming back to him every time they got a little to "close."**

…..

"Sousuke, you have been more quite that usual. What is it?", asked Dr. Allen while looking into his patient's eyes.

"It's nothing. Kaname has been worried lately", said Sousuke as he stared at the wall, trying to avoid any conversation that could bring back bad memories.

"Why do you think is that?", asked Dr. Allen.

Sousuke hadn't opened up one bit about his past in the several months he had be receiving treatment. It was very worrying that he kept all his emotions to himself.

"I don't know", lied Sousuke. He wasn't looking forward to talk about anything.

"You do know or you don't want to talk" asked the doctor a little upset.

"Maybe I don't", said Sousuke with coldness and looked him straight in the eye with anger.

Dr. Allen moved his chair closer to him, if he was going to open up, it was now or never,

"You were a child soldier Sousuke. It made you experience violent events too early in life", said Dr. Allen trying to convince him to speak, "It's different from adults who go to war."

"It was the same for me as it was for any other soldier", said Sousuke, now in an aggressive tone. He knew he was different to other soldiers, but he didn't wanted to feel that way. He didn't wanted to be considered a freak.

"Sousuke, talk to me", said the doctor, putting a hand on the boy's shoulder.

"I said I'm fine!", screamed Sousuke and pushed his hand away. "You don't know what is like so don't ask as if you do know!"

He stood up violently from his chair, he wanted to leave. Dr. Allen grabbed him by the arm trying to stop him. He could feel that the young soldier was furious.

"You can trust me Sousuke. I won't say a thing to anyone. But how can I understand you if you refuse to talk to me," he said, trying to make the boy stay.

It was too hard for Sousuke to remember those things, he felt a strong pressure in his heart. So he closed his eyes in grief, it was too much for him to handle.

 _B_ _ut_ _if war had taught him anything, it_ _was that he should never_ _show weakness._ _So he took a deep breath and tried to calm down._

"Please, sit Sousuke", said Dr. Allen and showed him the way back to the couch. Sousuke thought about what he will do for a moment, but decided to stay.

The doctor took the phone in his desk and dial a number, "Please Mary I want to clear my agenda for the afternoon." he said to his assistant.

He hanged up the phone and walked towards Sousuke. "Talk to me", he said while sitting on his chair. He crossed his hands and focused his attention on the young boy.

"What do you want me to say?", said Sousuke in a harsh tone. He refused to look at the doctor even-though he couldn't explain why he felt mad at him. After all, he was trying to help him.

"Let's start with how you became a soldier", said Dr. Allen. He wanted to make small questions to avoid Sousuke from leaving. He didn't wanted to force it.

"I was recluted by the Russian KGB for a child soldier's program", answered Sousuke sharply.

"How old were you?", asked Allen, keeping his sentences short.

"About five", said Sousuke. His hands were clenched on a fist and he kept his eyes on the wall.

"And what did they made you do?", asked Allen.

"Stuff", answered Sousuke. That wasn't an answer so Allen asked again.

"Like what?" He kept his eyes on Sousuke's expressions and reactions.

"Train and learn how to fight", answered Sousuke in a cold voice. He didn't wanted to talk anymore.

"What did that mean Sousuke? What did make you do?", said Dr. Allen. He wanted Sousuke to tell him the truth about what happened.

Sousuke kept looking to the wall, keeping his eyes away from Allen. Somehow he felt that the doctor will leave him alone if the didn't payed attention to him

"Don't act like that Sousuke. I want to help you," said Dr. Allen reaching out to Sousuke's hand, trying to make him feel reassured. He looked back at him.

After a few moments, Sousuke let go of his hand and said, **"** _ **We had a commander. When you would not follow the commander's rule, he could get very angry. People would get beaten terribly for disobedience or if they tried**_ _**to escape…"**_

"What did he do?", asked Allen. He needed to get the information out of him now that he was finally talking.

"Why do you want to know?", asked Sousuke, this time looking into his eyes.

"I want to help you. But I can't do that if you don't let me in".

"Alright, you want the truth? This is my truth", he said looking into doctor's eyes.

 **"** _ **When the soldier's wounds were open and bleeding, salt was rubbed inside. In that the commander was merciless. You had to follow the rules or you would lose the 'protection'. When people did something really wrong, they got killed as a punishment", said Sousuke with sadness.**_

 _"What else?", asked Allen._

 _Sousuke sighed and said,_ _ **"I have seen five**_ _**people being killed for severe disobedience during my time with the group. They were crucified in the forest. The commander would order them being nailed to trees at their hands and feet higher up on tall trees. The nails were thick ones, like those you would use to nail big logs for the roof of a house. You would first nail through the palms of the hand and later through the feet, just below the ankle and then turn the nail around so as to fix the foot to the tree stem. Sometimes the commander then ordered for people to be burnt with hot plastic again and again until they had real holes in their bodies"**_

"What did it mean to disobey?", asked Dr. Allen trying to make him speak more about it.

"Anything could trigger his anger. He did that when we didn't do what he wanted. **We didn't really knew why we were taken there or why we trained so hard. The only thing we knew was that the commander must be obeyed in everything** … " said Sousuke, he looked like he was in a lot of pain, but he didn't wanted to show much of an expression while telling that story.

"After spending five years with the KGB, they told me to assassinate a man. General Mahjid", he added.

"Who was him?", asked Dr. Allen and Sousuke made a small smile.

"Did you like that man?", asked the doctor.

"He wasn't a good man, but he was better than the KGB", said Sousuke with a less painful look on his face, "After I failed to kill him he just spared my life. It was the first time someone had showed me mercy. He fed me and gave me a house to live in, so of course, I left the Russian army and joined his ranks."

"Did he ever make you do anything you find hard to do?", asked Allen.

Sousuke's face hardened as if the doctor had said something wrong, **"** ** _He abducted some other children, poor orphans just like me, from the villages nearby"_** _,_ _he said._ **"** ** _They used to cry at night missing their parents_** _**so I gave them food to stop their tears and help them avoid get beaten by the other soldiers."**_

 ** _He could still remember their little faces,_** **_"_** ** _The General was good most of the time, but he used to be cruel to his enemies._** _**There were times when he made them walk with heavy loads .On the way, I saw how he beat many people to death, probably those who could not keep up with the walking and the**_ **dehydration."**

 **"What else?", kept asking Dr. Allen.**

 ** _"We were told to bring food and girl_** _ **s**_ _._ _ **One time we found three, but I was forced to kill two since they couldn't manage to carry the heavy loads and keep up",**_ _Sousuke's expression seamed sad when he said that._

 _ **"Other boys brought girls too that turned into his wifes. I did saw how he raped the girls. I remember one of them had a baby, he didn't live long. The poor girl was so devastated that she took her on life. I buried**_ **her with her baby,** _ **"**_ _for Sousuke,_ _somehow the memory of that day was still clear in his mind._

 **"Did he ever gave you drugs?," asked Allen.**

 **"The commander never gave us drugs. It was common in other groups to do so, but he wanted us to stay sharp at every situation,** " he said.

Sousuke got lost in his memories for a moment, then started talking again, "In my time there I learned how to use an armslave and I found my calling, being a pilot. So I became valuable to him and he treated me better."

"How long did you spend with him?", asked Allen. His eyes deep on his notes.

"About five… six years. I can't really remember", said Sousuke. He had fixed his position on the chair. Talking about those memories seemed to make him emotionless, like some foreign memory that actually belonged to someone else.

"How did you scape?", asked Dr. Allen, breaking his train of thought.

"I was captured by Russian forces and there I found Commander Kalinin. He wanted me to live with him and his family. A normal life that I thought I could never have. But when his wife died, he left those ideas behind and we decided to work as mercenaries. After that, we went to Colombia, Angola, Congo and other conflict zones. After that we were hired by Mithrill", said Sousuke. He had never talked about Kalinin after his death.

"Did Kalinin treat you badly?", asked Allen, but Sousuke stood in silence. After all he had been his father for so long and he didn't wanted to speak badly about him.

"Sousuke?", asked Allen again.

"He was the best man I ever knew… and I killed him," said Sousuke a tear fell from his cheek. He cleaned it fast.

"I'm sorry about it. What happened?," asked Allen, sincerely worried about him.

"He asked me to kill him and that's what I did", said Sousuke with sadness as another tear left his eyes.

"I don't really want to talk anymore," he said.

Sousuke stood up from his chair and walked towards the window. He stood silence in for a minute, trying to decide to speak or not.

"Sousuke, did any of them ever did something to you?", asked Allen.

"Someone," said Sousuke while pointing at the scar he had in his face. It was the worst memory of them all.

"They cut my face when I refused to kill a child in Russia as part of my training as an assassin. They said that they will kill me if didn't do it, that they'll... rape me if I refused to kill him", said Sousuke looking at the people down the street from the office window.

"What did you do?," asked Allen, looking at the young boy standing next to the window. He looked as if he was going to break into pieces at any second.

"I didn't do it. I couldn't kill him", said Sousuke and it seemed as if tears will fall from his eyes. He wanted to cry but he couldn't do it. He knew that he didn't had to show weakness, but the memories just kept flooding his bran. It was to painful.

Allen's office stayed in silence with Sousuke's confession. The doctor finally understood Sousuke's refusal to touch Kaname and they way he used to avoid personal affection or people's touch.

Sousuke had been raped when he was young, far to young, and he didn't know how to handle it.

"The next day I killed another boy, I couldn't bear them touching me again", said Sousuke, cleaning the tears from his eyes. "Years later when I was with Mahjid's army, other men tried to do " _that"_ again but I shoot them in the head. The General saw my hate and resolve. He took me in as his son and called me Kashim. "

Allen didn't know what to say about all the horrible things he had heard. In a way he was more surprised that Sosuke opened up so easily to him. But was strange is that other than the few tears, he wouldn't show much emotion.

Sousuke wasn't a psychopath, he knew how to express emotions and empathy towards others. But all that violence had made him immune to it and he could not express his feelings properly.

He knew he will need help with his patient.


	3. NO MORE PAIN

They didn't talk much after Sousuke's confession.

He left the office soon after and Dr. Allen stayed in his office for a few more hours, reflecting on everything he had just heard and seen in the last session.

He had many difficult cases in his career but this was by far the hardest case he had ever faced.

After been raised in such a violent environment and after the constant trauma he had received since he was very young, it was actually amazing to see that Sousuke was a functioning adult at all.

Something in that boy had kept him going on, something had made him survive for so long to all those terrible situations.

Even Kaname had changed after her kidnapping by Leonard Testarossa and she wasn't exposed to the level of stress that Sousuke had been exposed to during his entire life. Maybe it was his inability to express himself that didn't allow him to show his true self.

The phone rang on his office. It was late at night so it took him by surprise. "Hello", he answered.

"Dr. Allen? It's me Kaname Chidori", said the young girl in a trembling voice, it seemed that she had been crying.

"Kaname, what's going on?", asked Allen. He was concerned about Kaname's state. She seemed desperate on the phone.

"Dr. Allen, I… don't know where Sousuke is. It seems that he came to the house and grabbed his things. I think he left me", said Kaname sobbing, "I'm scared he will never come back".

Dr. Allen stood up from his chair. He knew that Sousuke was in a fragile state after his conversation and could do something crazy.

"Listen to me Kaname. We will find him", he said in a reassuring tone, "Do you know about any place where he feels more comfortable, a place he feels relaxed"

After a few seconds, Kaname answered a little more clam, "He likes fishing. He says it takes his mind of things. Maybe he wants to go to a place like that".

"How long since he left?", asked Allen while picking up his notes and locking them in his desk.

"An hour at least", said Kaname and started crying again.

"Alright then, let's go after him", said Allen. He hang up the phone, took his jacket and car keys and drove straight to Kaname's house. He knew that Sousuke was a professional, if he didn't wanted to be found, he would make sure to never be found. They had to hurry before it was too late.

…...

Sousuke couldn't go back to Kaname after the conversation he had with Dr. Allen. He started to reflect about his life and all the things he had to go through when he was young. All the things he had done and all the people he had hurt during his time at war.

He had tried to hide those memories inside his heart for years and made himself truly believe that they were normal, that it was life and that he should accept it as it was. But ever since he had met Kaname, he had realized that everything he thought he knew was wrong.

War, death and pain were wrong and nothing he could do will ever change the fact he didn't belong in her world. He knew that he needed her and that, if necessary, he will give his life to protect her and the world she lived in.

" _I'm not good enough for Kaname",_ he said to himself. The thought of ever having a normal life with her was a lie he had been telling himself to avoid the terrible truth. He could feel the dark emotion forming in his chest strengthening.

He realized that he wasn't good for her when he saw her crying at Dr. Allen's office that morning after he had given him his diagnosis.

From all the research Sousuke had made about his condition during the past few months, he knew for a fact there was a chance that he could never be cured.

"A man with only survival in his head, what kind of life will he provide for her?," he thought.

He was walking without a clear place to go through the crowded streets, watching people smiling and laughing without a worry in their minds. He felt jealous somehow and the heavy feeling of pain started to roam in the back of his head, " _Maybe I should end it all now. It will make everything easier," he thought._

He had a gun in his holster, his favorite, a semi-automatic 9 mm. It will be easy to make it all go away with just pulling the trigger. It wasn't a bad idea after all. He wouldn't have to run away or go back to fighting again.

But most of all, he wouldn't have to return to hurt Kaname anymore with his horrible life choices.

 _"He could let her be happy",_ _again, the feeling of pain crossed his chest as if something was pulling him downwards, crushing his spirit._

They were at peace now and he had no purpose at all. She didn't need protection anymore. His life without war had no meaning for him. What else could he do if not fight?

She had been the only joy he had received in his life but he knew that his mind, his PTSD, will just tare them apart. That it will only cause her pain.

Sousuke kept walking until he reached a motel at the outskirts of Tokyo. There he rented room 9 B, he knew he wasn't coming back to their apartment.

He got inside the room and turned off the lights, he lay on the bed, staring at the roof, considering his situation.

He knew that only cowards took their own lives, that was a fact in war and in life. But did it made him a coward to chose death instead of a life without Kaname?

He knew that the only thing waiting for him without Kaname was war and he was tired of fighting, he had done it all, always for other people and maybe this was the first time he was making a decision for himself. Running away form it all…

Dying….

He entered the bathroom and opened the bath water to heat up in order to help his body to bleed out faster. He got into the water with his army clothes still on.

He kept the water running. He knew that sooner or later people will notice the water and it will help them find his body.

He had decided to take his knife and cut his wrists, it was more efficient than a gun shot and it will take longer to die. He deserved it after all the pain he had caused, after all the lives he had destroyed and after all the people he had left begging for their lives without giving them any mercy.

Yes, it was efficient.

He knew he could fail the gunshot and stay alive as a vegetable and becoming a burden to Kaname. Bleeding to death was kind of poetic justice and more practical, he thought.

Again the dark emotion in his chest kept pushing him further into desspair.

 _"Poor housekeeper, it's going to be messy",_ he thought.

He lay in silence in the tub for a moment, just watching the water running without a single thought in his mind. Never in his life he had considered killing himself. Why now? Why after speaking up about the truth? About his hell of a life?

The dark emotion kept building in his heart and a sudden thought came to his mind, " _I can't live without her and she can't live with me."_

That was it. That was the impulse he needed to go through with it.

He took the knife and cut his left wrist, it hurt like hell. His heart rate started to pulsate in his ears. It wasn't the first time he felt that pulsating feeling, he had been closed to death before. His first instinct was to cover the wound, he was programed to preserve his life _. But not now, he needed to die._

As he started to cut his right wrist, his cellphone rang. It was Kaname. Just looking at her name in the phone's screen made his eyes fill with tears. It was a mix of emotions he had never felt before, a deep emotional turmoil inside his heart.

He wanted to hear her voice for the last time, at least for a few moments. He took the phone between his hands with difficulty, after all he had cut his tendons too, and answered the phone call.

"Sousuke! Can you hear me? You idiot please come back", said Kaname in tears.

He shouldn't had answered the phone.

Hearing her voice had been a mistake, it had turned his heart upside down and ignited his will to live.

"Sousuke talk to me. What's wrong?", she insisted again.

Sousuke started to cry. It was the second time in his life that he had cried like a baby. The first time before that nuclear explosion in Merida Island and now. Both times when he was close to death.

He knew he didn't wanted to die after all, something had taken over him and destroyed his spirit. He didn't know what power took over his soul to make him take a decision like that.

With a faint voice, he said, "Come to the Love Hut Motel, room 9B... Please hurry…"

Kaname dropped the phone, her heart was struck by a strong pain and she had a bad feeling about it. Normally he would answer that there was **no problem** , but not now. His voice was weak and he didn't answer again.

"Dr. Allen! He is a the Love Hut Motel, hurry", she said and Dr. Allen speed up. They drove as fast as they could. Kaname kept Sousuke on the phone but he could not answer.

"Give me your phone Dr. Allen!", screamed Kaname and she dialed 911. She didn't know what was going on but she could hear Sousuke breathing heavily on the line and knew something was wrong. She gave the operator the location and explained that there was a man in danger at the motel that needed assistance.

When they arrived, the ambulance was not there yet so Kaname stepped out of the car even before it stopped. She ran to the elevator, Dr. Allen, following close by.

"Tell the paramedics to go to room 9 B", said the doctor to a person in the front-desk before the elevator's doors closed.

The elevator wasn't fast enough for Kaname. As soon as they reached the floor, she stepped out and noticed water coming out from the room. She ran towards the door and realized that she had no key to open it. She knocked the door with all her strength, wishing Sousuke will answer.

Dr. Allen saw a housekeeper entering the floor and begged her to open the bedroom. The woman went running when she saw Kaname's desperation to get in.

The door opened.

The white carpet was covered in blood.

Kaname's heart stopped, she could not move.

She imagined the worst and tears started to fall down her cheeks. Dr. Allen ran towards the bathroom and opened the door. He found Sousuke fainted on the tub, it seemed he had managed to cover his wrists with some towels before passing out.

Dr. Allen picked him up from the blooded water and lay him on the bathroom floor. He was barely breathing. "Sousuke! Answer me!", said Dr. Allen as he put pressure on Sousuke's wounds. He was suffering from shock. His body was cold and his lips were purple, he could die at any moment.

The paramedics soon entered the room and assessed the situation. After stopping the bleeding they put an IV on him. Sousuke needed a transfusion quickly, his blood pressure was low and his skin was loosing color. They gave him oxygen and put him in the gurney as fast as they could.

The ambulance was going down the street in incredible speed. Every minute counted. Dr. Allen and Kaname followed the ambulance close behind in the car. Kaname could only pray now.

As they took the young soldier out of the ambulance, his heart stopped.

 **Note:**

From 1999-2010, the suicide rate in the US population among males was 19.4 per 100,000, compared to 4.9 per 100,000 in females. Based on the most recent data available, the suicide rate among male Veteran VA users was 38.3 per 100,000, compared to 12.8 per 100,000 in females. This means its almost three times more likely for veteran to kill themselves than a normal individual.

A body of research indicates that there is a correlation between many types of trauma and suicidal behaviors. For example, there is evidence that traumatic events such as childhood abuse may increase a person's suicide risk. A history of military sexual trauma (MST) also increases the risk for suicide and intentional self-harm, suggesting a need to screen for suicide risk in this population.


	4. WHAT IS LOVE?

Sousuke was starring at the window of his apartment, the summer wind hit his face and it calmed his emotions. Although it was a hot summer day, his place was fresh enough for him to wear just a t-shirt and a pair of cargo pants.

After all the time he had been at the psychiatric hospital, it was good to be finally home were he felt most like himself. His suicide attempt had been a close call, he lost a lot of blood and suffered a heart attack, but in the end, he made it out alive without any serious repercussions more than the scars in his wrists.

But also, it had been four weeks since he had been put under observation and it was the first time after the incident that he was going to see Kaname.

Dr. Allen had recommended Sousuke to focus on his recovery alone in order to find a will to live on his own, so he was missing her terribly and was nervous about what she will say to him.

Suddenly, the door to his apartment opened and there she was, in a beautiful white dress, gorgeous as always but with a very distinctive angry face. She walked fast towards Sousuke, full of determination, raised her hand and slapped him across the face.

"How dare you try to leave me behind! How dare you Sousuke!", said Kaname and immediately kissed his lips, sending all kinds of mixed emotions towards the young boy.

"I love you so much and I need you. How could you leave me? Why didn't you tell me you were in pain?", said Kaname with tears in her eyes, holding her boyfriend tight in her arms.

"I'm sorry", he said with sadness, holding the black hair beauty in his arms, "I'll never do that again Kaname... It was stupid."

He smelled her hair and buried his face in it. He felt so relieved that his mistake didn't cause a terrible situation.

"Sousuke. I have given you time to process this whole situation", said Kaname as she broke their embrace. "But I need to know why you decided to do that to yourself. "

"I guess it just hurt", answered Sousuke while looking at his bandaged wrists, "It hurt so much to think that I could lose you".

Kaname was confused about his words, "Why would you think you could lose me?", she asked holding Sousuke's face between her hands.

"Because I'm no good Kaname!", he said in anger and put Kaname's hands away from him. His eyes were shut because of the embarrassment he felt for choosing such a cowardly decision.

"I've done terrible things in my life. Things you can't begin to imagine. I hide them inside to survive, to keep on living in that horrible world, to keep on fighting. But now, that world no longer exists and for a moment I felt lost", he said. He could feel tears filling his eyes.

"Sousuke...", said Kaname, but he kept talking.

"My life had no meaning without war and I couldn't help but feel that I didn't deserve to stay beside you. You are so pure and good and I didn't wanted to ruin you and drag you into my life and to this terrible condition. I knew I could only cause you pain, so I left", he said as he stood from the chair and looked towards the window.

"But I couldn't go back to the hell of war anymore and I didn't wanted to ran away from you so.. I…", his words got stuck in his throat.

"You decided to end your life?", asked Kaname in anger. She couldn't understand what pulled Sousuke to commit such a terrible thing against himself.

"It seemed logical at the time", he said looking back at her with a sad look on his face.

Kaname put a hand on her forehead and looked towards the door, she was angry at him, "Dammit Sousuke! Why do you have to make things so complicated"

She stood up and looked into his eyes, "I've made horrible things too to survive, sacrifice even your chance for a normal life when I refused to follow Sofia, but that's in the past Sousuke and one person can't live stuck in it."

She walked closer towards him with a smile, "You deserve happiness Sousuke, with me, and everybody who loves you. I know it's going to be hard, but please trust me when I say that we can make it better somehow."

Sousuke couldn't understand how such an amazing woman came to love him, so he said, "You don't understand Kaname. I may never recover from this, from this reshaped brain that might never change."

Kaname hold his arm tightly, it was thinner than before and the feeling of bone and flesh made her heart ache.

"I loved you when you were a war freak, when you decided to live your life with me and even now as you are", she said as she pulled him close, "I know that your PTSD might never leave you but I don't care. I knew what I was getting myself into when I chose to love you"

"Don't say that", said Sousuke, letting go of Kaname's tight grasp, "I can't have you go through with this. I won't take it."

Kaname stood in silence for a moment and looked him straight in his eyes with determination.

"Do you love me?", she asked him as she walked closer to him.

Sousuke found the question weird, but answered honestly. "Yes," he said.

"Do you want to stay with me?", she asked as she kept walking closer towards him, holding his hand.

"Yes", answered Sousuke. He kept a close look on the way she moved, as if he was getting trapped in the soft grasp of her hand.

"Would you leave me if I were in pain?", she said, walking another step closer to him; this time putting a hand on his chest.

He looked straight into her eyes, he knew in his heart that if she ever needed him, he will never leave. "No," he answered.

Kaname put a hand on his face without letting go his other hand. .

"Then it's the same for me", she said with a smile, "I don't care what you do or say, I will stay by your side, always, as we promised that day in our high school courtyard when we first kissed. It doesn't matter how much you want to push me away, I will stay by your side."

"I could hurt you", said Sousuke holding on to her waist.

"I know. But just love me as you do now and everything will turn out alright", said Kaname and gave him a tender kiss on the lips.

As time passed, their kissed became stronger. He had missed that feeling so much and it made him feel whole again; like there was nothing else in the world.

But as his heart beat started to race because of his emotions, he wanted to pull away as he always did.

But his time Kaname hold him closer. She deepen the kiss and gave him in a tight embrace. After a few minutes of passionate emotion, she pulled away and buried her face in his t-shirt. "I love you Sousuke and I will never hurt you, please trust me", she said.

Sousuke pulled up her face and kissed her again softly, "I trust you Kaname. I just don't wanna hurt you. I've seen what men do to women and I.."

"That's not love Sousuke. This is", she said and kissed him lightly on the bandages in his wrists, "caring and willing to give yourself completely to another person, that's love," she kissed his cheek. "To share that bond of trust and care, that's love," she kissed his lips.

She put her arms around his neck, "I want to be with you, touch you, feel you because I love you and because I know you love me and will never hurt me", she said.

"But I could hurt you Kaname", said Sousuke looking away from her. He felt pain with slightest idea of hurting her in any way.

"No, you couldn't even if you wanted to", she said with a smile and gave him another kiss.

Sousuke was nervous, but Kaname responded to his kisses and his touch. She looked into his eyes with passion and this made Sousuke feel more confident to go on. So with his hands he continued touching her, taking her all in.

Her reactions to his touch, the way she blushed as he put a hand under her dress or the sounds she made when he kissed her down her neck, where magical, and he couldn't stop enjoy every minute of it. After all, he was alive.

In that summer afternoon, they both shared their first time together as the sunset hit the apartment windows. Sousuke could not believe he had been missing that experience out of fear of hurting Kaname. After that amazing first time, Sousuke hold Kaname in his arms, she had fallen asleep.

"How can someone so beautiful love me back?", he thought to himself, but tried to push those negative thoughts out his head. He just wanted to keep staring at the beautiful naked woman sleeping next to him in the wooden floor.

Their passion had prevented them from reaching the bedroom.

"You are thinking too much again Sousuke", whispered Kaname with her eyes still closed. She could feel her lover staring at her and playing with a strand of her hair.

"I just love you. That's all", said Sousuke and kissed her forehead.

Kaname opened her eyes and put her chin on his chest, looking into his eyes, "Don't shut me out", she said, "Talk to me."

Sousuke stared at the roof, trying to find the right words to express what he was feeling. "I've seen so much pain in my life. But this, right here is happiness for me and its intimidating. I'm just afraid it will just go away somehow", he said.

Kaname moved closer to him and looked into his eyes, holding his face between her hands, "I can't promise that we will be happy always. But I can promise that I'll be with you no matter what. I chose this life for us, because of how much you mean to me. Sometimes I feel nervous that I took the wrong decision, but when I look at you I can see it's worth it."

"I would have taken the same decision", said Sousuke putting a hand on her cheek, "I can't imagine been away from you."

They shared a kiss, and another, and another, loosing themselves in their love again. Finding the wooden floor uncomfortable, they moved towards the bedroom where the continued sharing their feelings until dawn.


	5. FLASHBACK

**This chapter contains a true experience of PTSD and flashbacks. A flashback, or involuntary recurrent memory, is a phycological phenomenon in which an individual has a sudden, usually powerful, re-experiencing of a past experience or elements of a past experience. The term is used particularly when the memory is recalled involuntarily, and/or when it is so intense that the person "relives" the experience, unable to fully recognize it as a memory and not as something that is happening in "real time"**

Sousuke was still going to his sessions with Dr. Allen. He was trying to figure out his emotions and the feelings inside him. It was more difficult than deactivating a bomb but soon he understood that it was alright to have feelings and that he should never lose his will to fight. To move on in life.

After every session he realized that there was a recurring theme that came to the conversation. What did he really wanted to do with his life?

He was only nineteen but he felt like he was a hundred years old after all the things he had gone through in his life. Mao had once asked him what he truly wanted and he knew that one of those things was to live with Kaname away from fights.

But without fighting what else could he do?

"So Sousuke, you seem a little lost. What's in your mind?", asked Dr. Allen. He had been starring in silence at Sousuke, who seemed preoccupied with something.

After a few seconds, he answered, "I feel without purpose. I always had a mission and now I just don't know what to do. I don't really need money so I don't need to get a job. After all, my mercenary work did help me earn a lot of money. But that's it, I feel like there is nothing else for me."

He seemed desperate to find a place in Kaname's world, but it seemed more difficult than it sound. He had been a soldier all his life and never had the chance to choose something different.

"I know you will find what you truly love to do. What about computers? You told me once that you liked it", asked Allen with a reassuring smile.

"I do like it, but just as a hobby. I can't see myself doing that forever. I need.. something", said Sousuke as he looked out the window. He needed to feel necessary, he needed a thing to call his own.

"A goal," said Dr. Allen, "You will find what you are looking for, just be patient"

Sousuke sighed, but gave the doctor a smile. He knew he was right, he just needed time to find what he was looking for.

"So tell me Sousuke, how have you been feeling lately?," asked Dr. Allen as he poured himself another cup of tea.

"I don't want to die anymore so I guess that's a progress", said Sousuke, trying to make a small joke.

"Really… and what changed your mind?", asked Allen with intrigue. He liked the new Sousuke who could laugh a little, only a little.

"I had sex with Kaname", said Sousuke without a hint of shame.

It Dr. Allen of guard and he spilled his cup of tea because of the shock. "That's really great Sousuke. I'm happy for you", he said as he cleaned the liquid from his chair.

"That's one of the many reasons life is worth living", said Sousuke as he remebered Dr. Allen's previous lectures when he suggested to always find things worth living.

"As easy as that, you would figure out that everything gets better. Just give it time," said the doctor.

Dr. Allen's sessions where amazing and Sousuke truly felt that all those feelings inside him where starting to make sense. It was also easier to talk about his painful past, the things he felt guilty about, like Nami's death or killing Kalinin. Some where harder than others, but he truly wanted to defeat the grief he felt inside.

All the men and woman he killed where still in his heart, but cooping with death was starting to feel much better day by day. Of course nothing could take away the pain completely, but he understood that all the bad things that happen in his life happened for a reason and most of them were not his fault.

Things with Kaname where better too. He didn't had episodes of stress anymore and it had been months since he had blown up a suspicious box. He was starting to open up a little bit more to her as well. Every night, before they went to sleep, he tell her a story about his past.

One night, when he spoke about Nami, Kaname realized that if things had been different, he would have fallen in love with her. It made her feel a little jealous but she wasn't going to let her emotions erase the memory of her from Sousuke's mind. After all, he had cared a lot for her.

Everything was going well. Until one day...

Kaname had been encouraging him to try new things and live life a little. So she decided to go with Sousuke and their friends to the amusement park. It was his first time going to one, without a costume, so he was very excited to live that "normal teenager" experience

Kyoko and Shinji, joined them at the train station and all of them decide to enjoy a day a leisure. They went on the ferris wheel and the hunted house. Of course Sousuke wasn't scared of the fake ghosts and he was feeling more comfortable in the tight space. He even laughed at the other teens reactions when the hunted house monsters appeared and creped them out.

Kaname was happy. She knew how hard Sousuke was trying to fit in and she soon realized that he was more comfortable about spending time with their friends. He would still look around looking for any danger, but it wasn't as often as he used too.

"Let's go on that roller coaster", said Kyoko in excitement as she pointed at the big metal structure with four loops that put passengers upside down.

Kaname was kind of scared to go on the ride, but Sousuke agreed to try it out so she got excited about it too.

"It's going to be fun, "said Sousuke and hold Kaname's hand, which made her blush hard and made their friends laugh.

All the teens got inside the roller coaster car and the guy in charge put their seatbelts on; right on top of their heads. They decided to sit on the third row because they weren't brave enough for the front line.

veryone was laughing, but suddenly Sousuke started to feel uncomfortable with the restraining position inside the car. He breathed to calm himself down a couple of times and closed his eyes.

"You OK?", asked Kaname. But Sousuke just hold her hand and answered, "I've never been in a roller coaster before so I guess I'm just nervous."

"I wont let go of you hand," she said as the ride started to move up.

The chains made a clicking sound but Sousuke didn't pay much attention to it, he knew if he did, he would get even more nervous. He looked at his friends and they all looked nervous as well, so he didn't mind his own heart beating fast in his chest.

When suddenly, the roller coaster went down and they all screamed in enjoyment as the rush of adrenaline filled their bodies. All of them, except for Sousuke.

Something in that void sensation in his stomach had triggered a bad memory. He was no longer in the roller coaster but in a Black Hawk Chopper receiving heavy fire. An RPG hit one of the engines, "Mayday! Mayday!", screamed the pilot as the chopper fell closer and closer to the ground. He didn't had time to fasten his belt and was hanging from one of the doors.

he vivid memorry of war mixed with sights of the roller coaster ride. They intertwined in his mind like a hellish nightmare. In one of the main loops of the roller coaster, he could see one of his comrades, an eighteen year old soldier, fall from the helicopter and die right in front of him. In one of the falls he felt as if he was in the helicopter crash. He could smell the fuel and the blood.

Sousuke felt his injuries, his broken arm. He could see the pilot screaming in pain, completely trapped from the waste down between his sit and the controls. He saw the dead copilot, his head chopped off. He could remember the enemy getting closer and the fear. The terrible fear of death.

And he could see how he took his gun and shoot the pilot in the head.

The ride stopped. Sousuke could still see the images in his head and he could hear, very faintly a voice calling his name, "Sousuke, answer me, Sousuke. Sousuke!", he felt a sting in his face. Kaname had slapped him out of his trance and made him react.

He stood up from the roller coaster car and threw up in a garbage bin close to the exit, completely covered in sweat.

"Man! I didn't know you were such a coward", said Shinji. He was laughing at Sousuke's reaction after the ride. The young boy believed that Sousuke just had motion sickness or that maybe he ate something bad before the ride that made him throw up.

"Shut up!", screamed Kaname at him as she towards Sousuke.

This took the boy of guard and made him worry about his friend's courrent situation. Kaname took Sousuke by the arm and walked with him to a nearby bench. Kyoko handed him a bottle of water to help him rinse his mouth.

"You alright Sagara?", asked the young girl worried

"I'm fine. Just a bad headache that's all", he lied. He could still feel the pain in his arm and the smell of fuel.

"Maybe we should just go home", said Kaname and took Sousuke's hand. He didn't wanted to ruin such a great day for her but he was feeling worst by the moment.

After saying goodbye to his friends, Kaname and Sousuke rode the train towards their apartment.

"What happened Sousuke?", asked Kaname while holding his hand.

"A flashback to a very dark moment", said Sousuke and put his head on her lap. He was still feeling dizzy, "I'll be fine after a rest"

He explained what he had experienced, what he had seen, to Kaname, who immediately understood the way he acted during the ride.

Everyone was having fun when she noticed, as she was holding Sousuke's hand, that it had turned cold. She could feel his pulse raising. She looked at him and his eyes where closed in horror. He only screamed for the ride to stop and the expression on his face was of physical pain. When it did, she saw that he was lost in his thoughts, so she shake him and call out for his name, but he didn't listen. The only solution she could thought off was slapping him.

After the explanation they didn't say much the way back home. As they arrived at the apartment, Sousuke entered the bathroom to brush his teeth and pour some water in his face. Kaname called him from the kitchen to grab something to eat, but he didn't wanted anything, he felt sick.

"Maybe you should call Dr. Allen. This is the first time you have a flashback," said Kaname as she cooked something. Sousuke sat at the table and hold his head between his hands, he was developing a migrane.

"It was scary. It felt like I was there. Living it all over again. I'm scared of unraveling memories in my head. I feel like I wont be able to control them if they come out", he said as he stood up to take some pills from the kitchen drawer. He drank them with a glass of water.

Kaname walked towards him and put a hand on his forehead. He was a little feverish. She helped him sit down on the chair and sat on his legs, giving him a tight hug in the process, "I'm sorry that you had to go through all of it."

"It's OK," he said and buried his face in her chest.

"I'm sorry that I took that decision," said Kaname with a sad tone a she caressed his hair.

"What decision?", he asked.

"Leaving Sofia's ideal world," she said, "but I couldn't lose you.

"I understand what you mean. But I would have done the same thing. You said we will work this out together and so we will", said Sousuke and gave her a soft kiss on her lips.

After eating some porridge, both of them went to bed. Kaname fell asleep almost immediately, but Sousuke could not sleep, even after taking medication. So he decided to get out of the bedroom and get some air, as he always did when he felt frustrated. This time he made sure no to wake Kaname and put a sweater on. It was a cold winter's night.

He opened the living room window and he turned on the television to take away his boredom. The Discovery Channel was broadcasting a special about child soldiers in Sudan and how the conflict had generated at least 100 thousand soldiers, boys and girls, under the age of fifteen. It explained the rescue efforts and the challenges the UN faced to release them from enemy troops in conflict zones.

It was interesting for him, and he finished watching the documentary. After that, he walked towards the balcony and saw the city lights. He stayed like that for a few hours reflecting on the stories he had heard. The violent outbreaks against children, the hard rode to recovery for the kids in conflict zones, and the challenge of rehabilitate child soldiers.

Sousuke felt a strong connection to hose children, they were just like him. He felt sad for those children who could not share the life he had at that moment: a house, food on his table and a life in a peaceful country. But most importantly, a person who could help him with his pain and chance for a future.

He felt guilty somehow for his own fortune and he kept thinking who different his live would had been if he was still fighting.

As dawn approached an idea kept resonating in his head. How could I help them?


	6. CANDLE LIGHT

"I have an idea. I know it's crazy but I want you to hear me out", said Sousuke while walking around the doctor's office. Dr. Allen was intrigued by his sudden call the day before so he decided clear his schedule all afternoon to hear him out. After all, he wanted to learn more about that mysterious hobby he had been working on for months.

They had been in sessions for at least 10 months and Sousuke was making real progress. He had even recommended Sousuke to see other specialists, chiropractors for his physical pain and yoga instructors for relaxation; he even recommended boxing as a way of channeling his inner anger, in a way to help him found he is personal goal.

So when he heard him talking about a plan with Dr. Allen, he was excited about hearing his ideas. Sousuke had never been more excited about something other than Kaname.

"Speak up Sousuke and stop walking please, you are making me dizzy", said the doctor as he saw the young boy walking back and forth. Sousuke stopped on his track and looked him in the eye.

"I want to go to Sudan. I want to go to war again," he said with determination in his eyes.

"What!", screamed Dr. Allen, standing abruptly from his chair and spilling his tea. _"How could this boy go back to the environment he so desperately wanted to scape from for so many years?," he thought._

"Listen, I contacted a man, Sam Childers*, that can help me achieve what I need to do", said Sousuke as he sat on the couch across him, "I want to save child soldiers and his forces need someone with experience to rescue them. Also, the children need someone they can relate to."

Dr. Allen put a hand to his forehead and just listened to what the boy said, "That's why I want to go and met him in Sudan. I want to help him."

The doctor had never seen him so excited about anything before, but the idea of going was simply crazy for to consider.

"Why would you risk all the progress we have made Sousuke? You are finally recovering", he said, worried about his patient's decision; but most importantly, his conviction on that idea.

"I know I've made progress, but that wont change who I am inside. I feel better is true and I have less episodes of stress, my last one was months ago so I think I'm much better now. I wouldn't go there if I didn't thought that I'll be capable to handle it. But I'm a soldier and it's my duty to protect others" said Sousuke.

It seemed that nothing was going to change his mind. His reasoning was unjustified; he could be so much more if he wanted to, but deep inside, Dr. Allen knew something that Sousuke probably didn't, he always put helping others before himself.

"I wouldn't have told you anything and just leaved, but I need your permission to go. You are my psychiatrist and Childers was very clear about me having your consent. He told me that I shouldn't go if I wasn't ready", said Sousuke, breaking Dr. Allen's train of thought.

"You suffer from PTSD Sousuke. It's dangerous to put you in stressful situations," said Dr. Allen with sadness, "I know that you can handle it and you have done it before, but this could be a step back in your recovery. A step back in fitting in a normal environment."

"Normal is fighting for me. It's all I know how to do. I never had a valid reason to fight before, but now I do. They need me as much as I need them", said Sousuke, putting a hand on the doctor's shoulder.

Dr. Allen was worried about his decision and wished that Sousuke will change his mind somehow.

"I know that you want me to be OK Dr. Allen, but this is my choise. I know it's a good decision, I know it", said Sousuke, looking into his eyes.

"Have you talked about this with Kaname?", asked Allen. Sousuke face changed completely and he sat back on the couch, realesing Dr. Allen's hand.

"Not yet", he answered with sadnees.

The doctor sat on his chair with his arms crossed, Sousuke did the same, waiting for his answer.

"My condition for you to go is to convince Kaname," he said with a serious tone, "If she says you can go, then you can go. That's my final saying"

Sousuke's heart beat raised, he was so happy to hear that he could go, but immediately realized what he had to do.

It was easier to build a nuclear bomb alone than convincing Kaname to let him go to war. But he was certain that this was his calling. After watching that documentary months ago, the only thing in his mind was spearing other children from what he had been through.

He had been reading UN documents about the situation in Sudan and listened to the survivors testimonies. They were having the same hellish life he had and Sousuke couldn't take it anymore.

 **He learned about the story of Sam Childers, an ex convict and converted Christian, that was fighting the LRA and rescuing children in South Sudan and North Uganda. This man had gave them a chance of a normal life and helped them recover from the pain of war.**

 **But his work on Africa didn't consist only on military rescue but also in the rehabilitation of child soldiers. They had built a self sustainable orphanage and a farm to feed children from the region. The program also build schools and taught children skills to apply for jobs. They even dig wells on nearby villages to provide clean water.**

Sousuke wanted to do the same thing, atone for his past mistakes and spare others from the horrors of war. It was his chance to make a difference and he saw a future in that foundation.

He had already send 20.000 thousand dollars to Childers cause, but in his mind, it wasn't good enough for him. After that generous donation, the foundation got in contact with him and they started to talk often about the work they had been doing in Africa. Even Sam himself contacted Sousuke and convinced him to go to Sudan.

But how was he going to convince Kaname to let him go? She didn't know about his project and there was a big chance she will say no.

He had to find the perfect timing.

"Alright, I accept the condition," he said with conviction.

…...

Sousuke decided to make a dinner for the two of them at their apartment. He wasn't that skilled at being a cook but he made a great lasagna, a skill he actually learned in the army. He lit some candles and waited for Kaname to arrive from the university. She was a sophomore in engineering at Tokyo University and of course she was the most brilliant in her class.

"Tadaima", she said as she walked inside the apartment and took off her shoes. She saw the table and the candle light at the center of the living room. It was so romantic and it was the first time Sousuke had done something like that. Her heart was raising.

"W _hat is he going on?,_ she thought to herself.

Sousuke was standing near the table, dressed in a black suit. It was the first time he had used something so formal, so it got Kaname even more nervous. He looked very handsome in the candle light.

"Please take a sit Kaname", he said and gave her a soft kiss on the lips. He showed her the way to the table.

"What's all this?", said Kaname. She was trying to analyze the situation and what could possibly be the reason behind his actions.

Sousuke set the plates down and purred some wine on the glasses. He then sat down across the table from her, "Please eat before it gets cold", he said and took a bite from the lasagna.

Kaname was confused about the whole situation and remained sited. "Sousuke what's going on?," she asked, fearing the answer.

"I know you too well and I think that you want to ask something for me", she said. Her face was intrigued with the sudden romantic gesture.

Sousuke took a sip from the glass of wine. He seemed really nervous, "You know I love you", he said looking straight into her eyes.

"I love you too", said Kaname as she put her hand over his.

"Kaname I… I want to ask you something," said Sousuke as hemoved his chair closer to Kaname. She blushed and put her hair behind her ear as she always did when she got nervous.

"Kaname we have been together for so long", asked Sousuke holding her hand an looking into her eyes.

Kaname's mind started to fly away. _"Is he going to ask me to marry him?,"_ she thought.

"And we have lived together for a year", he said.

" _OMG! He is going to ask me to marry him!,"_ she wrongly thought.

"Kaname will… will you", said Sousuke when Kaname suddenly answered, "Yes, I will".

Sousuke's face was filled with confusion and excitement. "Really? You will?", said Sousuke. "You will let me go to Africa?"

Kaname's face immediately changed in anger after she heard that, "Africa? What the hell is that all about?"

Sousuke was even more confused than before about her reaction. She had just said yes. " _But yes to what?_ , he thought.

"To Africa, to save child soldiers. What did you thought I asked?", said Sousuke slowly.

"Africa?! Is that what you have been researching all this time?", asked Kaname as she stood up from her chair, "Why would you go there?"

"I want to fight again and rescue children in Sudan from the LRA. Take them back to their families and make them safe. But I couldn't take this decision without considering it with you first", said Sousuke.

He tried to hold Kaname's hand, looking for acceptance, but she stepped back from him. She had a sad look on her face.

"It means you will leave me", said Kaname. Sousuke stood up and hug her.

"I don't want to leave you, but I cant ask you to leave your life behind for this. It will be selfish of me and I know it," he said with a sad tone without letting her go, "But I have to do this Kaname, I can't let a child go through what I've been through. I have to save them."

Kaname let got of his embrace and look him in the eye, "It means you'll fight again. That you'll kill again, isn't it?"

Sousuke stood in silence and Kaname just nodded her head in disappointment. "You could die and I'm I supposed to accept it?," she said in anger "What I'm supposed to do if you die? I wont be able to take it"

Tears fell from her eyes and both stood in silence for a moment.

"You are right Kaname. I could die", said Sousuke looking at the wall, "But how am I supposed to live knowing that there is people suffering and I have the skill to help them but but do nothing"

Sousuke sat on a chair in front of Kaname and looked straight into his fists. Kaname stood in silence. She was still crying but she wiped away her tears with her sleeve.

"I can't stop you. If that's what you want, then leave!", she said in anger.

Sousuke stood up and hugged Kaname before she could leave the living room.

"Let go!", screamed Kaname, but Sousuke hold her close in his tight embrace.

"Not if I lose you," he said, "That's why I want you to marry me and be my wife before I go"

Kaname stood still and burried her face in his chest. She stayed there in silence crying.

"How can you ask me that and then ask me to accept you leaving?", she said in tears. Sousuke put his hand on her cheek.

"I know that what I' m asking from you is not easy, but I have to do it", he said and gave her another hug. They stood there, in the candle light, in silence for what seemed to be hours.

"I know", said Kaname after cleaning her tears, "I know you need to go. You have my permission to leave."

"Will you wait for me?", he asked, still holding her in his arms.

"I.. I will wait", she said to him, "And I... will marry you"

Sousuke gave her a kiss and hold her tight in his arms. She was still crying but she understood him abd the fact that nothing she could say will stop Sousuke from leaving. She didn't agree with him, in fact she hated the idea. But more importantly, stronger than the fear of losing him in her heart, was her love for him. She knew that this was exactly what he needed to do to move on in his life.

 **Note: Sam Childers (born 1963) is a former Outlaws member who now dedicates his life and resources to rescue children in the war zone of South Sudan. Childers and his wife Lynn founded and operate Angels of East Africa, the Children's Village Orphanage in Nimule, South Sudan, where they currently have more than 300 children in their care.**


	7. A SECOND CHANCE IN LIFE

**This chapter contains real tales of two rescue operations, one in Peru and one in the U.S.**

 _3:00 am Northern Uganda_

Sousuke and a group of Freedom Fighter's were driving towards an LRA camp base nine miles from Kimpala. They had received intel that children had been captured from one of the nearby villages after an attack a week ago.

"Operation Angels on the move", said Sousuke through his walkie talkie as he prepared his rifle and packed ammunition on his backpack. "Roger", said a man from a second vehicle.

They had been planning this rescue operation for days. They knew that a mistake could mean death for the team, but the were willing to risk it all for the 140 children trapped by the terrorists.

 **Ten commandos stayed on the perimeter to alert the group from possible military** **back up from the LRA forces, while 30 others prepared to attack the base from different angles.**

 **According to their intel, their target was located in the main building, a concrete structure from the late 70's.**

Days before the attack, Sousuke's team placed bombs underneath the structure thanks to the abandoned tunnels of an old illegal iron mine in the zone. They dug up holes so that none of the hostages will be affected by the explosions they were planning to use as diversion. They also knew that during this day the terrorists would be watching a soccer match and will be off-guard.

On Sousuke's orders, assault was launched **. First, a massive explosion ripped a huge hole in the floor of the living room, right in the middle of the terrorist soccer match, blasting the hell out of the room, showering it with shrapnel, and ripping four of the terrorists to pieces immediately.**

 **Outside the building, several more holes opened up in the courtyard as teams raced into action, throwing ladders on the walls and climbing onto the roof and into the second story. The commandos were cautious not to fall into booby traps.**

 **While all this was going on, another team went over the fence and charged straight-on into the compound. A guy with a heavy steel shield broke in the door and his team rushed in behind him. Two terrorists were killed instantly in this action.**

 **One team of commandos ripped a hole in the roof and killed the remainder of the terrorists, including the leader. The other teams reached the hostages and escorted them safely from the building.**

"No one here is going to hurt you. You are safe", said one of the local soldiers in their native language as they carried the small children, none of them older than ten, away from the burning building.

Once the enemy was subdued, Sousuke gather the children in the courtyard. All of them had their hands up and lay on the sand floor. After the commandos checked them from any concealed weapons, they load them in three trucks.

It was a matter of time before LRA soldiers noticed the attack, so they had to hurry back to the orphanage. But as they were leaving, one of the Freedom Fighters noticed a group of ten child soldiers who aimed towards the vehicles. Sousuke stopped the car and shielded himself behind the door.

"They are just kids. They wont hurt us", said Nick, an American soldier that was part of the rescue team. He was new with the group-

"No they are not. They are soldiers and they will kill you if you show any weakness. Don't let your guard down", said Sousuke with his rifle aiming at them.

"Surrender now and no one will get hurt!", screamed Sousuke at the children.

Tenge, a member of the group from the zone, translated his words to the children and they started yelling in their native language and pointing their guns at them.

"They say they'll kill us if we don't give the children back. That they'll use their machetes to do so", said Tenge, aiming his gun at the group of teens.

Sousuke stood in silence, analyzing the group. He knew that if he wanted to scape they needed to take them down and that they wouldn't go down easily.

"We'll give you cash if you let us go!", screamed Sousuke to the children and Tenge translated.

"What?", asked Nick. He wasn't sure about his decision, but then again, in the past his choices had proved to be effective.

"They agree", said Tenge and Sousuke took one of the bags from the back seat of the car and walked towards them with his gun up, paying attention to all of them to see if there were any signs of danger.

As he approached the children, they pointed their guns at him. The Freedom Fighters on the other side covered his back and aimed at the kids. If there was an open fire, Sousuke was going to be the first to go down.

He kept walking towards the group, six boys and four girls. When Sousuke got close enough, the children removed his weapons.

"So, how much!", said a boy in English.

"Thirty thousand for the kids", said Sousuke in English as well. The kids looked into his face, not a hint of fear. It made a teen, the leader of the group and the oldest of them all, nervous. So he pointed his gun at him and made him kneel on the sand. Another one took the bag from his hand and opened it. It was filled with 20 dollar bills. They all smiled.

"You are a soldier, just as I am", said Sousuke in an almost perfect native accent at the teen who was pointing the gun to his head, "please put your finger away from the trigger and put the lock on your gun. I don't want you to blow my head out."

The teenager looked surprised at Sousuke's accent and looked towards his gun to lock it, when suddenly, Sousuke, still on his knees, took the kid by the neck and put the boy in front of his body as a human shield. He took the gun from the teen's hand and pointed it towards the boy's head.

The rest of the children aimed their guns at them and started yelling.

"Listen!", said Sousuke with a power voice in almost perfect native accent, "If you shoot, we will all end up dead. My companions are excellent shots and have you on their sight. But if you put your guns down, your friends live, I live, and you live."

The children looked at each other, still with their guns pointing at Sousuke. They seemed scared of him and the group of adults aiming guns at them.

"We can make this nightmare be over. Come with us and we will keep you safe from the LRA, give you food and homes to live in. Even reunite you with your families", said Sousuke looking into their eyes, "But only if you put your guns down"

They all started whispering with each other, some, in languages that Sousuke had never heard.

"The Commander… will kill us..", said one of the kids in English. His eyes had tears on them.

"We will kill him", said Sousuke, looking straight into his eyes. The little boy, about eight years old, put his riffle down. The others soon followed. Soon after the Freedom Fighters put the kids into custody and took them into the trucks. They put hand cuffs on the teenager, he was the most experienced of the group.

After securing the rescued kids, Sousuke and his group took them back to the orphanage, where they received new clothes and food from the women who lived there. The kids had been starved, so they gave them liquid food to avoid possible stomach pain. Still, they where extremely happy to have something in their stomachs.

All the kids were treated by a doctor after the meal. There, they gave their names and villages where they were form originally. Later the children were taken to their shared rooms in the orphanage.

There, they were welcomed by other children, kids that had been abducted from other villages as well and other child soldiers just like them. After talking that night, the new kids felt more comfortable about their new situation.

The next morning the child soldiers were taken to a classroom were Sousuke was already waiting for them, sitting in the desk.

They were all scared and nervous that they had been separated from the rest of the group of rescued children at the orphanage, so when they got inside the classroom they sat at the back of the room, away from Sousuke.

"Don't worry. We wont hurt you, sit on the front if you like", said Sousuke with a calm voice, still sitting on the desk with his eyes on piece of chalk he had in his hands.

"The rules here are simple. If you want to stay here and have food, a roof and a safe home, you can. No one will through you out. No matter what you have done as a soldier", said Sousuke standing up from his chair and walking towards the kids. "Also if you want to leave this place, you can. At any moment, no one will stop you."

"We don't need you. You don't know about us", said one of the kids om anger. The boy thought in his mind, _"How could this stranger know about their life or their pain?_

"What's your name?", asked Sousuke, looking into his eyes. The boy didn't answer.

"Malik", said a girl in the group. She was about five years old and she seemed to be the boy's sister.

"Thank you", said Sousuke to the young girl with a smile and turned to look towards the boy, "but I want him to answer. What's your name boy?"

After a few seconds, the boy answered, "Malik Safra." It was completely different tone compared to his aggressive reaction before.

"Well Malik, I may not know you, but I know what you have been through", said Sousuke. He took one of the chairs and sat down in front of the whole group.

"I am also a child soldier. I have been a soldier since I was younger than you", he said to them. They all looked surprised but stayed in silence.

"I was! You don't believe me?", said Sousuke with a smile and handed a picture of himself, about eight years old, dressed in drapes, with an assault riffle in a dessert in Afghanistan.

The kids took the photo in their hands and pass it on to their friends.

"I have been through everything you have been through. I've been tortured, starved, and hurt in many ways," he said with a sad tone, "But I've also killed, torture, and hurt others."

The kids looked at him in wonder, some seemed ashamed about their own memories and looked away from Sousuke. Others listen carefully to his words.

"After twelve years of fighting... I got a second chance in life. To be different and aim for a better future", he said as he stand from the chair and walked towards the blackboard, "That's what we are offering here. If you want to go back to the Commander you can, all of you. No one will stop you. But if you want a second chance, if you want to be better, then stay. I'll do everything in my hands to save you."

After a moment, he wrote number 2 in the board and walked towards the door and left it open, "You have two hours to decide if you want to stay."

After 2 hours, Sousuke came back to the classroom. As he walked inside he realized that all the children stayed.


	8. BECAUSE OF YOU

Sousuke was picking up some notebooks from a desk when he heard a car at the orphanage's gate. From the classroom he could see the children ran to the vehicle in excitement. He took a look from the door and saw a beautiful girl with a round belly coming out from a black 4x4 car in a beautiful blue dress.

It was Kaname, as gorgeous as ever. Sousuke always felt mesmerized every time he looked at her

Sousuke walked towards her, trying to make the kids move aside, but they were really happy to see her. Every time she came to the orphanage she always brought gifts and toys for them as she always did for the past five years.

"When did you got here? I thought you'll stay in Kampala until giving birth to the baby", said Sousuke, picking up some of the small kids in front of her to make room so that he could get close to his wife.

He gave her a kiss on the lips and all the kids giggled. Kaname blushed which made Sousuke happy, but also, he became worried about the child's safety.

Kaname was about to give birth any moment now. Although they had been living at the orphanage for four years already, after Kaname found out she was pregnant, they decided she will move to the capital to get better health care.

She only came every month to visit Sousuke, but after rumors of possible attacks from the LRA had been received, they both decided to let Kaname spend the final weeks at the city.

"I wasn't going to have our baby alone Sousuke. Beside we have all the medical care we need here so it will be OK", said Kaname as she gave one of the kids a big hug.

Sousuke wasn't that sure about that affirmation but knew he couldn't argue with her after making up her mind. He took her bag from the car and carried it inside the room they shared at the orphanage.

"Please Tenge, give the gifts to the kids", said Sousuke to one of the guards and walked inside with Kaname. Sousuke closed the door to the bedroom. He around slowly visibly upset of his wife's arrival in such a delicate condition.

"Alright Kaname. What force on earth made you come here? Here, to a war zone for all places?", he asked with a serious voice.

"I told you! I didn't wanted to be alone when giving birth to our son in a foreign city", said Kaname as she laid on top of the bed. The drive was very long and she wanted a rest, so she took her shoes off. As as time passed by she was starting to feel more and more uncomfortable.

"There is word that Commander Rem is trying to attack us and yet you come here? Pregnant and about to give birth? What made you think that was a good idea? ", said Sousuke as he laid a hand on her pregnant wife's belly.

"I drove myself in! And you are his father, I had to come", said Kaname in anger, looking into his eyes.

Sousuke knew the dangers of Kaname's decision. At the orphanage they didn't have medical assistance in case something went wrong with the birth. They were miles away from the nearest hospital and the medical facilities weren't that great either. Also the thousands of possible unseen dangers like mosquitos with zika, malaria or dengue were also present.

"I love the fact that you came here, but you have to leave tomorrow. And I wont argue with it, you'll go", said Sousuke.

He could see Kaname's sad expression on her face, so he said, "We will both go back to the city."

Kaname's face changed in surprise and happiness, so she hugged Sousuke. That's all she wanted to hear and that was the main reason she had come, to make him come back with her.

"So you did this on purpose, a 7 hour car ride?", said Sousuke looking at Kaname suspiciously. She laughed and kissed him.

"If that's what it's going to take to get you back then I will do it," she said with happiness, "Besides Mithrill also wants to interfere with the Commander to protect the region so they will stay for a couple of months."

"Mithrill?", asked Sousuke worried.

"Tessa found me in the city, we got together for coffee and she told me that they were looking out for Commander Rem", she said as she caressed her belly. The baby was kicking.

"More of a reason to leave", he said and put some clothes in a bag.

After their talk, Sousuke and Kaname ate with the rest of the group and spend some time with the kids. They all went to sleep early at the orphanage.

The night was calm and the only thing that could be heard were the crickets. It was a hot night, as all the nights in Uganda.

Suddenly, a loud scream broke the silence and woke up most of the children at the orphanage. Sousuke ran towards the children's room and Kaname followed him close.

As he entered the room he saw Malik, the young child soldier, screaming on the floor with his eyes open. With a swift move, Sousuke wrapped the boy in a blanket and took him outside, away from the rest of the children. Somehow they seemed used to the boy screaming at night so they went back to sleep as soon as Sousuke walked out the room.

The boy was screaming and kicking, so Sousuke put his hand on the young boy's forehead and caressed his hair to calm him down. Sousuke didn't ask what the boy saw in his dream but whispered into his ear that he was safe and everything was going to be alright. The boy locked his eyes on him until he fell asleep.

After a couple of minutes, Sousuke took the boy inside the children's room and lay him on his bed.

"You are going to be a good Dad", said Kaname as she hugged Sousuke who kept staring at the young child with tenderness. He looked back at his wife and hold her hand.

Both walked back to their room when Sousuke noticed a shadow near the fence.

"Go to our room, I need to check something", he said to Kaname and walked towards the fence. Sousuke didn't found anything after inspecting the area but he clearly had recognized a human.

After checking the zone he walked back to his bedroom. There he found Kaname asleep in the bed, so he closed the door carefully and got inside the bed.

"Hey soldier", said Kaname as she opened the sheets to invite him closer. Sousuke hugged her close

"What happened to him?", asked his wife.

"Night terrors", said Sousuke, "Because of his drug use he can't really fall asleep completely so his brain wakes up in a violent way. That's why he screams like that. At morning, he doesn't really remember what he was dreaming about", said Sousuke as he hold his wife tighter.

"It was scary", said Kaname as she also hold his husband close.

"Yeah it is! But you have to be patient and try to understand the situation", said Sousuke starring at the roof.

"You have really changed and become wiser Sagara", said Kaname with a smile and kissed him on the cheek.

"It's all because of you", said Sousuke, "In my life there's been heartbreak and pain, but since I met you I have learned that there are more things in life, beautiful moments"

He put a hand on his wife's belly, "All that people have ever taught me is how to hurt others, yet with you I've learned how to love... I didn't know how to do it before, it was an unknown concept for me because of all the pain and death I got used to experiencing from such a young age. Every little thing I received back then – food, shelter, water, guns and ammo – that was all I ever needed. I didn't know back then that I was only surviving. I never truly lived".

Sousuke moved closer and gave Kaname a kiss in the forehead, "But I've learned it with you, in those small hours, I've changed. I have received so much love from you that know I'm even capable of sharing it. Loving makes me happy, I'm truly happy and lucky that I met you".

A small tear fell from his eye that got lost in his smiling expression, "That's why I'm here and that's why I take care of those children, because loving makes me happy. I want those kids to understand, as much as I did, that there is such a thing called love that it makes everything better.

Kaname couldn't stop her own tears of happiness, she had never heard Sousuke open up to her like that and be honest with his feelings. It was an amazing moment for them when suddenly she felt a strong kick in her belly. The baby was happy too... maybe a little to happy?

She felt a pain that started from the back of her hips to the front of the belly that came in waves. She had felt it before that morning but she didn't pay much attention to it. But now it was stronger than before, enough to make her scream.

"Sousuke. The baby is coming", said Kaname as she hold his husband's hand in her belly. He smiled at the thought of seeing his baby soon, when suddenly….

A large explosion was heard.


	9. MY BLOOD, YOURS AND OURS

Sousuke was driving as fast as he could, but the arm slave of Commander Rem's army was getting close. He hold his newborn baby boy in his arms, still covered in blood and crying. Kaname lay in the passenger sit unconscious.

"Stay with me Kaname! Don't you dare die on me", he said as he drove to the coast. He needed to get closer to the shore in order to contact Mithrill's submarine.

 _A few hours before_

"Sousuke, the baby is coming", heard Sousuke before a strong blast blew the wall in his bedroom.

"Kaname!", he screamed in the dust, but he couldn't see or hear anything from the explosion.

"I'm alright!", screamed Kaname as she removed some debris from her dress and she hold her belly in pain. She was covered in dust and had an injury in her forehead. Sousuke ran towards her and carried her in his arms towards safety.

Suddenly, they heard gun fire so they hided on one of the classrooms close to their room. The Freedom Fighters were trying to protect the children in the orphanage from the LRA troops had that started to enter the compound, keeping them hidden in their room.

"Sousuke we need to get out of here and get help!", said Kaname as she put her hands over her belly in protective instinct. Sousuke's heart was raising at the thought of something happening to his wife, but she hold his hand in reassurance.

Tenge spotted Sousuke in the classroom and ran towards him holding an extra assault riffle.

"You need to leave this place with your woman", he said as he entered the room, "I'll keep the kids safe, they are already in the bunker you built so they are out of harm. We will stay with our troops. Beside they are not the target, you and your wife are."

He handed a pair of car keys to Sousuke and the riffle, he then hugged couple and went outside of the room. Tenge was a great friend and had always been since Sousuke had met him years ago.

Sousuke took a closer look out of the classroom through one of the windows and saw private Nick running towards the tower and killing the lights. He was helping them scape and with that opportunity, he threw smoke grenades in order to ran with Kaname to a nearby jeep.

He carried Kaname in his back and run to the car, the bullets almost grazing them. He put her in the passengers sit and drove away from the orphanage.

As he got some distance, all he could see in the rear mirror was the orphanage they had built during years of hard work, now in ruins. He felt a strong pain in his heart.

"Sousuke we need to hide!," screamed Kaname, another contraction hit her.

"I have a safe house nearby", said Sousuke as he drove away from the orphanage, putting a hand on his wife's belly and with only one thought in his mind, his family.

After two hours of driving, Sousuke arrived at a small cottage located near a river and a large mountain formation. He carried Kaname inside on his back and lay her on the bed. He closed the drapes and turned off the lights, only lighting a small candle to avoid anyone finding them.

"How are you feeling", asked Sousuke as she handed Kaname a bottle of water he had on one of his survival bags on the jeep.

"The contractions are closer each time", she said with an expression of pain in her face. The baby was soon to come and they didn't had anything to bring him into the world.

Sousuke started checking the house for medical supplies, anything could work. He found an emergency kit on the bathroom and took it back to Kanme, when suddenly, he heard a jeep park outside the small house.

He blew the candle and signaled Kaname to stay silent. He covered her with a blanket and moved quietly towards the window. There, he saw 3 LRA men in the premises.

He took one of the hand guns in his bag, load it, and went outside through the back door in an attempt to get them one by one off guard.

On the house's left corner, quietly and without the others noticing his actions, he took down a man with his knife. But as the young, not older than fifteen, fell to the ground, he fired his gun. In the silence of the Savannah, the noise echoed in every direction. It was over.

One of the soldiers ran towards the jeep and drove away, calling for back up, and the second man ran inside the house.

"SOUSUKE!", heard Kaname scream from inside the house.

Sousuke ran inside as fast as he could and saw something out of his worst nightmare. Kaname's face was in pain and she was pushing the baby out and to her side was the man holding a gun to her head.

It was worst than the flashbacks he experienced or the memories of his past, worst than anything he had ever felt.

"Please, point your gun at me. Don't hurt my family", he begged the man putting his gun down.

"Shoot me! Not them!," he yelled at him in the native language.

"Boy", said the man in a sarcastic tone as he kneel close to a frighten and hurt Kaname.

Sousuke just looked in terror at the scenario.

"The general wants you alive and take your baby for his own, but your wife...", said the man pointing the gun towards Kaname's chest, "She is not needed."

And then he fired. With her last strength, Kaname pushed the baby out of her and fainted. The baby seemed fine but he was not crying.

Sousuke's mind went blank and in a matter of seconds, he took his gun and shot the man in the forehead, killing him instantly.

"Kaname!", he screamed to his wife and ran towards her. He shake her in an attempt to wake her up.

"The baby", she said with difficulty.

Sousuke took the newborn from the bed and slapped him gently to make him cry. After a few tries, the baby took his first breath and cried loudly. He took his knife, cleaned it with some alcohol from the emergency kit and cut the umbilical cord.

"It's a boy! He is fine", said Sousuke and Kaname put a hand on her husbands cheek. After giving him a soft smile, she fainted.

Sousuke took his shirt off and wrapped her wife's wound, applying pressure in the injury. He tight it hard around her back to avoid her bleeding out and resume to take care of the crying baby. He took one of the kitchen towels and wrapped the newborn around his naked chest. Then, put Kaname in his back and got both them to the jeep outside.

As he turned on the vehicle, he saw with the corner of his eye a copper armslave, it was a first generation Tauro. If it catched them, they were all dead.

Sousuke, pushed the pedal and drove as fast as he could. He took one of the satellite phones from another emergency back pack as he continued driving the car. He needed to get in contact with Mithryll.

"Stay with me Kaname! Don't you dare die on me!", he screamed at his fainted wife as he drove to the coast.

"Information, over", it was the communications deck of the TDD.

"This URZ 7. ID Number B-3128, please get me in contact with Capitan Tesstarossa! It's urgent!", he screamed on the phone as he hold the wheel to make a curve in order to avoid the heavy fire coming from the enemy's Tauro.

"One moment please", said the receptionist in a monotone as it wasn't an emergency. It infuriated Sousuke to the brink of his madness, he thought for a moment that if he took long, and his family died because of it, he was going to kill him.

After a few minutes, Tessa answered, "Sousuke, it's that you?"

"Tessa Kaname is dying and my baby… we are under attack from REM! God please help us!", screamed Sousuke while dodging another attack from the A.S.

"Where are you?," asked Tessa in fear. Sousuke could hear her asking for the GPS location on the phone to the others in the control room.

"Ten miles away from the shore", he said as he maneuvered his car to avoid another hit.

"Got it! On our way," said Tessa and more orders could be heard from the other side of the phone.

"Thank you..", said Kaname in a soft voice. She had woken up from the baby's constant crying.

"Sousuke, the baby…," she said holding the newborn baby's small hand.

"He is fine, listen how loud he cries," said Sousuke holding his wife's hand, "His color is good and he is wide awake." Kaname fainted again, she was losing a lot of blood.

"Stay awake!," screamed Sousuke, shaking Kaname's arms, "You don't want me raising the baby with my military antics and my unstable head!"

Listening to his words, Kaname woke up immediately.

After a couple of minutes, Sousuke saw a silver A.S. He recognized it immediately, it was Kurz.

"Hey buddy!", said the blond sniper as he launched a missile towards the Tauro following Sousuke. The new dad felt extreme relief, he felt like he could do anything for his friend after that display of loyalty and his unconditional help.

"There is an helicopter one mile west from here. They are waiting for you. We will hold them of from you," said Kurtz as he kept firing the enemy.

Sousuke drove towards the rendezvous point where the medics had been waiting. They took Kaname and the baby from him and load them in the chooper. Sousuke joined them as the medics rushed to take them to the submarine.

As they arrive, Kaname and the baby were taken to the medical area. He followed them until they entered the O.R.

"Stay here please," said a nurse and showed him a chair in the hall.

The only thing that Sousuke could do now was pray. He realized his hands were shaking and covered in blood... from Kaname, the baby and his.

"Sousuk...", said Tessa as she had just walked in the room. She stopped on her tracks when she saw her friend in that vulnerable state.

She sat next tot him and asked, "How are they?"

"I might lose them", said Sousuke and dropped to the floor, tears falling from his eyes. Tessa put her arms around him, she could feel that if she didn't do it he will break into pieces. As she saw Sousuke with such a painful look on his face, she couldn't help but cry with him.

The only thing they could do was wait.


	10. NO MERCY

After crying for God knows how long, Sousuke sat on a chair next to Tessa. He couldn't think of anything else more than his family's well being.

" _What if they died?,"_ he thought to himself. It was going to be his fault from dragging them into his world.

Kaname just wanted to be close to him and he just ruined it with his selfish desires to change anything in that horrible world filled with war.

The only things that kept playing in his mind were the memory of the soldier shotting Kaname and how the medics took his family away in a hurry.

As he contemplated the thought of being left alone and losing everything he hold dear, he heard people running through the halls.

"What's going on?", asked Tessa concerned about the soldiers' reactions.

"We got him, Captain! Commander Rem!", said a young female soldier in joy.

" _The bastard that took my family from me,"_ thought Sousuke after hearing the news. So he ran towards the main deck, where he knew he would find him.

"You idiot!", screamed Tessa at the young soldier that brought the information. Realizing her mistake, the rookie soldier covered her mouth in horror.

"Please! Wait Sousuke!," screamed Tessa as she ran behind him, trying to stop her friend from doing something he will regret.

As Sousuke got to the main deck, he saw a group of SRT soldiers taking Commander Rem from a helicopter and into custody.

"So Kashim is here!", said Rem with a sarcastic laugh as he noticed Sousuke starring at him in anger from across the room.

Sousuke took a gun from one the soldier's closer to him and aimed it at Rem. The other soldiers also took their guns out, but against his friend. They wanted to prevent him from doing something stupid.

"Give him to me or I'll shoot you", he said as he aimed the gun towards one of the soldiers holding Rem in custody. There wasn't a hint of hesitation from Sousuke, he was going to shoot if they didn't give him his enemy.

"Sousuke stop!", screamed Mao. She had been part of the response team that captured Rem. Kurtz was next to her analyzing his best friend's moves and possible actions towards the soldier he held at gun point.

"Give him to me or I swear I'll kill everyone here!", he screamed as he took the safety from the gun.

Everyone was in silence, only Rem's laugh could be heard.

"Give him to Sousuke," said Tessa.

Everyone saw her in awe as they couldn't believe the Captain was willing to do such a terrible thing. It went against every military law about criminals of war surrendering. Sousuke looked at Tessa, waiting for her to take back her words, but she didn't. So he grabbed Rem by the collar and dragged him through the halls.

He could feel the rage accumulating inside him, just building up in his head; so much it made his ears ring. He could see the Commader from his time at the KGB, General Mahjid, Gauron, Leonard Testarossa, every monster he had faced before, in this one man. He could feel in his hands the desire to kill him and he was going to do it painfully.

He got into one of the interrogation rooms, followed closely by Kurtz. He shut the door and tied the Commander in the chair, putting his hands on top of the table. Rem gave him an evil grin so he started punching him as hard as he could, at least 30 times.

"Sousuke enough!", said Kurtz but Sousuke kept going. He had to stop his friend, so he grabbed him by the arms.

"This is nothing boy!", screamed Commander Rem, trying to provoke Sousuke to punch him again. He could see the young man was so angry that he could lose his mind.

"YOU BASTARD!", scremed Sousuke as he struggle to let go of Kurtz tight grip, "You took those kids parents away, torture them, burn them alive, force them to kill, rape them, and attack them again! When they were already safe! FOR WHAT! FOR MONEY?! VENGEANCE AGAINST ME! YOU SHOT MY PREGNANT WIFE!"

He let go of Kurtz, took a knife from his vest and stab one of Rem's hand on top the table. The Commander screamed in agony.

"Sousuke! Stop!", screamed Kurtz as he hold a gun to Sousuke's head. This was getting out of hands and it could ruin his friend's life.

"Shoot me! I don't care anymore. Kaname is dead and my son! it's over!", he said as he put the knife to Rem's throat.

"No, they are not dead!", said Kurtz, trying to make his friend come back to his senses.

"You didn't see the blood! I know they wont make it Kurtz! I've seen it many times!", he said as he cut one of Rem's fingers away. Another scream of pain came from the Commander mouth, followed by a crazy laugh.

"Stop!", said Kurtz kept yelling Kurtz at his friend.

"Yes, they are dead. I killed them! Kill me now and get payback from what I did!," said Rem, he was spitting blood from all the bruises in his face but kept a sarcastic smile.

"Give me the gun Kurtz and get out!", screamed Sousuke, pointing the knife to his friend.

Kurtz looked at him in desbelief. He was pointing a knife towards him. "I don't know you anymore", he said with a sad look on his face.

"This is not the answer to your pain. You are going to be just like him, if you go on with it", he kept saying. Sousuke kept aiming the knife at him.

So Kurtz put the gun on the table. "I won't condone your actions or help you with any of it. Do what you've got to do," he said and left the room.

Sousuke stared at the gun in silence.

"So now is you and me, huh..", said Rem after noticing that Sousuke was lost in his mind, "Are you going to kill me?," he asked.

Sousuke took the gun and stared at it for a few seconds. He then sat across the table from the Commander and stared at the gun back and forth. After a minute, he looked back at Rem.

"Why did you do all this?", he asked without a hint of anger in his voice although his eyes told a different story.

"What happened in your life to turn out this way?," he asked the commander again.

Rem was surprised about his questions, he never expected that interrogation from an enemy, specially one who had so much anger against him.

"Why you ask?", he asked Sousuke.

Souske didn't say anything so he answered, "To liberate my people from oppression and suffering".

"Yet you cause oppression and suffering yourself?", asked Sousuke looking into Rem's eyes.

The Commander stood in silence, so he asked again, "Why do you really do this?

"For power, money, woman", answered Rem with sarcasm and looked straight into Sousuke's eyes.

"You know that's not enough of a reason, so tell me why...", asked Sousuke again, this time holding the gun to Rem's head.

After a few minutes and with a hint of sadness in his eyes, the commander answered, "What else can I do? It's all I know how to do since I was young."

Something inside Sousuke shiffted. Kurtz was right, Rem was just like him somehow. Each time he had kept those negative memories inside and lived without showing emmotion, he was turning into a monster like him.

For a moment Sousuke felt sorry for him. After all, he didn't had someone like he did to save him from the darkness.

" _Kaname"_ , he thought. It was true they had shared similar life, but it didn't justify the fact he had shoot his wife and endangered his son.

"Something terrible must have happened in your life too, to turn you into the monster you are, he said to Rem.

"Then we are not that different you and I," said Rem. He took a cigarrette from his pocket with his injured hands. He tried to light it, but he had some difficulty turning on the matches. Sousuke took the box from his hands and light it, then sat back on his chair.

"Since I was young all I've known is war", said Sousuke with sadness, putting the gun down, "I can't justify what you've done in your life because of the pain you have endured, but I can do something about it now and take your pain away"

Sousuke aimed the gun towards Rem's head.

…...

Tessa, Mao and Kurtz stayed outside the room.

"How could you be so stupid!," said Mao as she kicked Kurtz on the leg. The blond soldier bend his knee because of the pain but kept his face straight.

"Sousuke needs to figure this out on his own", said Kurtz as he rubbed the spot she had hit him, "It's the only way he can grow up."

Mao knew he was right about letting Sousuke do the right thing. But in that state of mind, was it the best thing to leave them alone with a gun?

Suddenly, they all heard a gun shot from inside the room.

Mao ran towards the door when Sousuke walked out holding the gun. The Commander was laying on top of the metal table.

"What did you do?", she asked in fear.

Sousuke put a hand on her shoulder, "It's over", he said without looking into her eyes, "No more fighting, I'm tired"

He placed the gun in her hands and walked down the hall towards the medical area with his head down.

Mao felt a strong pain her heart, fearing the worst outcome from the whole situation, and imagining the pain her friend was felling at the moment.

"Look!," screamed Kurtz. He was pointing at Commander Rem whose, chest was raising as he breathed. He was just unconscious from a blow to his head.

"He is alive," said Mao and tears started to fell from her eyes. Sousuke had saved himself and she couldn't be more happy.


	11. ALL IS IN MY MIND

It was cold at the submarine, but Sousuke didn't mind. He was used to it anyway after years with his team overseas.

He was sitting on a chair at Kaname's feet, looking at her with a worried look. It had been two days since they had arrived at the submarine from Commander Rem's attack and she hadn't wake up from her surgery yet.

She had lost to much blood and there were risks of brain injury. She had stopped breathing during the intervention and it had been a long time until she reacted.

The good news were that the baby was already out of danger and doing well, but the doctors kept a close eye on him to prevent any possible infections. Because the TDD was not made to attend such an emergency, an helicopter had to bring in an incubator from Kimpala and a neonatal specialist to treat him.

His friends and the rest of the crew loved to stare at the little one, but Sousuke hadn't seen him since he was born. He didn't wanted to because it was too painful to imagine that he had caused his son pain.

"Sousuke...", said Kaname as she woke up. She seemed confused and scared to be at the submarine.

"Kaname", said Sousuke as he hold her hand. He was so relieved she was speaking and moving.

"You are OK, the baby is doing very good, just rest," he said as he gave her a kiss on the forehead.

"I want to see him", she said to him as she pushed his hand away. She seemed angry at him and she had every reason to be, so Sousuke didn't say anything else and left the room to call for a nurse to ask for the baby.

"Kaname, it's over," he said with a sad voice, "It's all over"

Kaname's expression in her face changed. Tears felt from her eyes so Sousuke approached the bed and hold her hand again.

"Don't say that", she said with a broken voice.

"I'm tired Kaname," he said looking at their hands together, "I'm tired of fighting of trying to change things. I almost lost everything I love and it was my own fault because of being selfish."

"You are the least selfish person I know", she said with difficulty.

"I am," he said, "Look how our son was born, he could have died", he said. His expression was full of pain. He was struggling to keep the tears in. "It's over Kaname. I'm not putting you or our baby in danger again"

Kaname cried. Did it mean it was over? The love they shared?

The nurse brought the baby inside. It was the first time both of them had truly seen him. He was beautiful. He looked just like Sousuke but his hair was the same as Kaname. The nurse helped Kaname stand up carefully in her bed and put the baby in her arms. He was sleeping peacefully.

Kaname's tears intensified and she gave her son a kiss on his forehead.

"I love you so much. I thought I'll never tell you this but I love you", she said to the baby. Sousuke stood up from the bed and move towards the chair to take something from his jacket.

"I never asked you to be with me properly. We just married each other signing a paper. I've done everything wrong in my life but now I want to make things right", he said holding a small box.

"It's over Kaname", he said as he opened the box. It was a diamond wedding ring, "No more fighting, no more war. I want to protect you and our son. Be happy with you and be away from it all. I want to be with you and my son. I let go of my anger and faced it. I was about to kill Commander Rem, I truly wanted to kill him with all my heart for everything he did and I could have done it. But if I knew that if I did, I would have turned into him. Full of rage and death"

He took the baby in his arms and said, "I can't anymore. Have this pain in my heart. It's going to kill me if I don't let go and is going to destroy us. The moment I hold our son in my arms, everything changed and his face was all I could see. How would he feel if he knew he had a father who kills people? I couldn't shoot", he gave his son a kiss.

He looked into Kaname's eyes, "I want peace. No more war".

Kaname was in shock to hear his words. It was everything she had wanted to hear from him and now more than ever.

"This could be the end of everything you know", said Kaname.

"I cant leave in the past anymore. My future is with you and this boy", he said as he gave her a small kiss. Both of them smiled.

Mao and Kurtz entered the room, they were happy to see their friends happy. Mao ran towards the bed and hugged them both

"I love the fact that your baby is as beautiful as I am", said Kurtz. Tessa gave the baby a kiss.

"Thank you for everything", said Sousuke. His friends smiled in response.

"We will keep you safe from anyone who wishes to harm you", said Tessa as she handed a small package to Kaname, "We changed your names and citizenship so that you can live away from all this. We will take care of the children in the orphange. They were saved because of you Sousuke, you should be proud"

"This is to much", said Sousuke as he saw the content of the package. It had two american passports and a bank account with a considerable amount of money.

"You are good guy Sousuke. Not a soldier. Live in peace from now on and keep your family safe", said Mao as she gave the baby a small pinch in the cheek.

"So… what's his name?", asked Kurtz looking at the small baby and holding his hand.

"We haven't really thought about it", said Kaname as she saw her newborn son with love.

"Actually I have", said Sousuke, "I hope you like it"

"Please don't make it Kalashnikov as the riffle", said Kurtz. Mao punched him in the gut this time.

"No is not", said Sousuke laughing, "I want to name him Akira"

"Akira?", asked Kaname.

"It means pure and clear. That's what I want for him, a pure and happy life. With no darkness in it, not like my life. I know that life is hard and I cant keep pain away from him, but I want to protect him from the shadows as much as I can", he said and hold the baby in his arms.

"I love it", said Kaname and gave his husband a kiss.

…

 _Thirteen years later_

Although nightmares can surpass our dreams and darkness is surrounding our life, there is always a light at the end of the road. Is not what we have to live through life but how we decide to live it that makes a difference.

Sousuke knew that now as he saw his two children running around the garden in his house in Atlanta. The oldest, Akira, now seventeen, looked so much like him that it was almost impossible to make a difference between the two except for his hair color, dark blue. Yuki, his youngest daughter, was only three but controlled the house. She had her mother's character and her beauty.

The nightmares, the panic attacks and flashbacks were less everyday but now he had a family to deal with them. A family that was just a dream in the back of his head.

He remembered that day when he was only four years old. The first day training as a soldier, all alone in the world. He had been taken outside to the cold tundra as a punishment for crying that night missing his mother, it was below 13 degrees centigrades.

As he shivered, he remembered that all he could wish for was for somebody, anybody, to love him and keep him safe. In his head he hoped that day will come for him. But as the night went on, he knew he had to survive and keep those feelings inside, _all in his mind_. So he promised himself that he would never cry again that he will never show weakness.

But the day he thought will never come, finally arrived, thirty years later, but arrived.

He wish he could go back in time and tell that small boy that everything will be alright and that there will be no pain in the future, but he couldn't promise him that. Because, for almost twenty years, his life will be filled with painful experiences, suffering, and heart break that will scar his soul.

"So how do you feel know?", asked Dr. Allen, now an old man, from the laptop on top of his desk. They had gotten used to doing therapy with Face Time as Sousuke could not go back to Japan in order to keep his family safe.

"Well it's still hard to deal with some memories, but most are under control. You were right when you said that I shouldn't go back, but I had to save those kids. Problem was that I left my own life in the line and I almost lose it all", said Sousuke.

"You still feel guilty about that?", asked Allen.

"I'll always will, but I know that I had to help those children", he said.

"You did help them actively for five years and now through child protection policy lobbing in the UN", said Allen as way to stop his patient's guilt. Although he had been trying to do that before without success.

"I know, but I can tell is not enough. That's why I keep trying", said Sousuke as he saw how his youngest daughter ran towards him.

"Papi look!", said the toddler as she gave him a red flower.

"Is gorgeous kiddo!", he said as he gave her a peck on the cheek.

"Dad, Mom is here!", said Akira as he picked his backpacks.

"I'll let you to it", said Dr. Allen with a smile and finished the conversation.

Sousuke walked his children outside and saw Kaname smiling from the car, as every Sunday when she came to pick up the kids after their weekend with dad.

They had decided to go their separate ways after Yuki was born.

The baby had been born with Sofia's whisper so it was dangerous for the whole family to be together. It was a painful decision to make at the time, but the right one nevertheless.

"Hey Kaname", said Sousuke as he leaned for a kiss.

"Please stop that.. it's weird", said Akira. He just knew their parents where divorced but he couldn't understand why they treated each other so well. His friends parents who where divorced didn't act like that.

But after all Sousuke and Kaname loved each other and no matter what, they knew they will be alright. No matter the obstacle in their lives they will manage to survive with their family and surpass all odds.

As Sousuke saw his family leave, a small smile formed in his face. He knew that everything will be better now, he knew that as a certainty. That no matter the odds they will overcome the difficulties coming towards them. That it was no longer _all in his mind,_ but know it was real.

 **THE END**

 **So this is the end of All is my mind! I kept it as a bittersweet ending because I wanted to continue writting the story, but I'll leave it for another fanfiction. The next part is going to deal with Sousuke and his family scaping from terrorists who want to get Yuki's whispered hability. The new fanfic is called My Blood, Yours and Ours.**

 **I hope you liked this story!**


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